How to Make the Birth of Someone Else’s Child About You

It’s happened to all of us: someone you know has a baby, thereby diverting attention that should always be going to you to an infant. An infant who hasn’t even DONE anything, mind you. This guy poops himself all the time and it’s gross, and you only poop yourself when you’re really drunk or sick. So why is everyone paying attention to this friggin guy and not you? You, who has tons of cool stuff going on? Come on. Here’s how to make the birth of someone else’s child about you. 

Start by planting the seed that the baby is untrustworthy and bad with money. Pretend to lose your wallet, but actually plant it in the crib. When everyone realizes this guy is a thief, they’re going to seriously reconsider all the nice things they’ve been saying. Now that everyone thinks this thing is a grifter, you’re one step closer to being important again. 

Make a big show of being able to speak in complete sentences. This is something that a baby cannot do, which is majorly embarrassing. Say really complicated sentences very loudly, like “has anyone seen the expensive bottle of Pinot Grigio I brought?” This hammers home the fact that you are luxurious, sophisticated, and of legal drinking age. The baby will not be able to legally drink alcohol for roughly 21 years. This automatically makes you look cool and mature. 

Do a really sick dance. The baby can’t dance, and if it tries it will look stupid! It can’t even support its own neck. This one is a no brainer. The baby’s parents will probably come to their senses and realize they’ve been hanging out with someone who cannot even go clubbing, for several reasons. 

A word of caution: don’t look into the baby’s eyes. For if you do, you will feel the magnetic pull towards compassion, love, and protectiveness that will endear this child to you immediately. Don’t think about how this baby is made from love, a physical sign that two people are growing their family. Don’t hold it in your arms and marvel at how soft and warm it is, like a baguette fresh from the oven. Don’t think about how the entirety of its life yawns before it, full of wondrous possibilities and endless triumphs and failures alike; so human, is this baby. So human we all are. Don’t think about that because then you will start crying and freak out and you’ll want to have one. 

Follow these simple steps and you’ll be at the top of the food chain in no time! Also, you should probably buy it a funny onesie or something. Just to be nice. Nothing crazy, just to be nice to the parents. Okay, good luck.

Callie Webb
Author: Callie Webb
Callie is a comedian, human being, and woman. She has a fondness for George Michael and videos of unlikely animal friendships.