How to Pick Out the Perfect Outfit for the Impending Civil War!

Let’s be honest, things are kind of a mess right now. It’s been days since the election and we still have no winner. Nevada seemingly recruited hungover tourists from the Strip to count ballots, and we’ve started looking at Pennsylvania like an ugly girl from a high school rom-com who got her prom makeover. In the dragged-out fight between the country’s most famous geriatrics, a lot of us are left wondering how we should prepare for what’s gearing up to be the second civil war. Below, we’ve compiled some tips on how to look stylish for the ‘gram while you torch this motherfucker to the ground.

Do: Skin Tight Athleisure 

Not only are you protecting yourself from the barrage of toxic gasses being thrown your way, but revolutionary daddies love thick baddies. While I don’t think Lululemon had protection from Geneva convention-banned chemical warfare in mind while crafting their yoga pants, they’re going to keep your skin safe and grant you first dibs to a cuddle buddy in the trench. 

Don’t: Goggles

Looking like you came out of Walter White’s meth lab isn’t going to help you on the battlefield. Getting hit in the face with goggles on is going to do some serious damage to your sockets. Smokey eye? Great look! Black eye? Hard pass. 

Do: Non-Descript Clothing

We love individuality, but when fighting the people who control the most powerful military in the world, it might be best to be hard to identify. We think first date rules apply; Remain tall/dark/mysterious, always play hard to get, and don’t be afraid to go ghost. It’s best to keep the national guard guessing – keeps the boys interested 😉

Don’t: Go No Mask

Getting ‘Rona will obviously keep you sidelined from the battlefield for a hot minute, but wearing a mask while fighting against discriminatory systems has other benefits as well. In addition to protecting your identity from the authorities/the Jeff Bezos face robots, it also highlights to everyone around you the immense amount of time you spent on your liner that morning. Does Urban Decay make a shadow palette for democracy’s decay?

Do: Good Shoes

We believe that shoes complete a look, but in this case,  it might be better to value practicality over fashion. As much as you don’t want to look like your 13-year-old emo phase, protesting will require you to dig your old chucks from the bottom of your closet. Whether you want to run, climb, or hide, our rule of thumb for protest shoes pick ones that are everything your parents aren’t – supportive of your life decisions. 


Kirsten Hernandez
Author: Kirsten Hernandez
Kirsten Hernandez is a writer, activist, and occasional linguist in the Los Angeles area. When she isn’t clowning on the internet for likes, she’s likely to be tending to her multitude of dogs or overanalyzing the shit out of television shows.