For those of us not blessed with the “lovability gene” that makes everyone flock to our sides and propose on the spot, finding a life partner is no joke!
Sure, you could be happy with the way your life is and understand that having a romantic partner doesn’t mean you’re inherently a good person or successful or hot or cool or people like you–but it feels that way! So be sure to be constantly on the go, looking for that diamond in the rough.
But what if when scouring the city streets looking for an unmarried man, you found your prince charming going belly up against your Toyota’s windshield? Don’t worry, I’ve been there and I’ll walk you through it.
So you were tweeting and driving, big deal. It’s not like you were even going that fast. Unfortunately, your could-be-hubby was jaywalking at the exact wrong time you were adding fifteen emojis to your tweet about modern dating. Oops! This will be such a cute story for you to tell your grandchildren.
First: make sure there are no witnesses. If there are, remove a sweaty wad of crumpled ten-dollar bills from your bra and smooth things over with a little green magic. Once that’s taken care of, you’ll want to assess the damage you’ve done to your future groom. Any broken bones? Bleeding? Concussion? All things to be dealt with later. Start by getting his handsome ass in the roomy backseat of your car and driving him back to your place.
Since you’re single, nobody will be around to report you to the authorities. That means you can create a makeshift nurse’s station in your living room. Push all that pathetic IKEA furniture away and make room for your sweetie.
How fast were you driving? I was going about fifteen miles per hour, so the damage was minimal. A few bumps and bruises, maybe a sprain. I haven’t been to nursing school, but I have seen the film Misery. So I feel prepared to admit him to my Love Hospital for an indefinite amount of time.
When he starts asking where he is and who you are, just let him know that you’re his future bride and he’s got nothing to worry about. When the screaming stops, fill him in on the wedding planning you’ve been doing while single.
If he’s still not coming around to the idea of being your true love, remind him that you’d hate to see him get hit by a Toyota AGAIN. This isn’t a threat, you’re just being silly and cute.
And finally, remember to send out the save the date cards! You’ll want to get married while he’s still physically unable to leave. A quiet at-home ceremony with only you and your Pomeranians should suffice.
Congrats, girlie, you did it! You successfully found Mr. Right in a sea of Mr. Wrongs. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go get my car washed. It looks like a crime scene.
