I Accidentally Touched a Butt in Costco and Now I Can Never Buy in Bulk Again

When a person brags about having a Costco card but hardly ever shops there (unless crab legs are on sale, or you just wanna buy a piano), you have to ask yourself, why? Is it a fear of FOMO? Or a sense of having VIP access to a world of buying in bulk? Either way, you should listen to your heart, or you just may find yourself in a freaky warehouse situation you have no business being in. Let me tell you about the time I realized Costco members were freaks.

Like any normal single human being with no kids, I felt like a certified adult when I became a Costco member. Though we do seem to all turn into teenage zombies as soon as we see the free samples. Nevertheless, I was walking down one of the aisles looking for a fifteen-pound pack of whatever made sense, because Costco is not a quickie mart. You need to browse around, play it cool to look like you belong.

As I was in the aisle I noticed some of their winter clothes on display, you know velour suits and puffy jackets for the kid and grandma in all of us. I was in the aisle by myself, or so I thought. I started to pick up one of the items, but then got distracted by something shiny and put it back down on the table right behind me.

By the time I was done with my distraction, I decided to reach back at the original item so I could buy it. Since it was in reach, I didn’t feel the need to turn around. So I simply stretched my arm backward until I felt the item to grab it. Now as I was grabbing, it was taking a long time for me to get a grip of the article of clothing I could clearly feel, so I kept digging and grabbing and really utilizing my fingers to a point where I had to turn around to see what was going on. Why couldn’t I get it?

Well to my surprise, my hand was literally tearing into somebody’s ass. I jumped back and yelled, “Oh my God, I’m so sorry!”

There was a jean wearing woman, bent over like she was in position waiting to receive any attention her rectum could get. I don’t know if she was a ninja because I did not hear her coming down the aisle, let alone see her right behind me. She was like this Crouching Tiger Hidden Asscrack.  As I was still apologizing, she calmly and slowly replied “Oh, well that’s ok” like she did not want me to stop, which shocked me even further.

“Well again I’m sorry,” I said. By then, I did not want anything at Costco so I just walked off swiftly with my head down, trying to avoid eye contact with anyone.

All I could do was think about what just happened and why this woman allowed me to basically give her a colonoscopy for 20 seconds without saying a word. I’d never engaged in an accident like that, let alone have a complete stranger enjoy it, and have it all take place at Costco which represents quality products, not prostate exams. I expect behavior like that at Walmart, but not there. From now on I’m shopping at Target.

Veronica Brown
Veronica A. Brown is a comedian, writer, and actress from Inglewood, CA. Her acting credits include a recurring role in TLC's "Sex Sent Me to the ER," an appearance on ABC's Jimmy Kimmel Live and a feature film role in the comedy “Marlo Lasker” streaming on Amazon. Aside from performing stand-up across the country, she is steady writing for various productions and writers' rooms, as well as her own sketch comedy series called “Veronica Who?”