It’s called wedding eyes. Or maybe suit eyes. Who’s to say? But there is something miraculous about seeing a man in a suit…even if he is just flat out mediocre…in every sense of the word. And maybe at weddings, you’re in an even more vulnerable spot. You’re single, your cousin who is five years younger than you is gettin’ hitched, and meanwhile, you are still swiping on dating apps, weeding through fuckboy after fuckboy. An endless string of disappointments and bad hookups leave you wondering why you even have sex in the first place. (Yes Brian, my clitoris is about two inches north of where you’re currently at).
So, okay. You’re single, you’re vulnerable, you just cried your eyes out during the wedding, partially because you’re a sap, but partially because you’re in a constant state of worrying that you’re going to die alone with your cat. But then, from across the dance floor post-ceremony, six vodka sodas in, you see him. That dude, that bro—who we will later call “tall, dark, and just okay.” But you can’t tell, he has on an incredible suit. Dark grey with a skinny tie. The pants highlight his butt and crotch in the exact right ways, and it’s settled—you’re going to marry him. You have eye sex with him from across the floor that lasts the entire reception, too drunk and scared to actually introduce yourself.
Then, the next morning, you do some…dare I say it…cyber stalking to find the love of your life. You scroll through your cousin’s Instagram page and obviously her husband’s too. You find him on their stories. But wait! He’s 5’7? His eyes are a little too far apart? What?! He’s a short disappointment. You sigh deeply, exit Instagram, and open Bumble. Time for swiping, girl, it’s back to square one.
