Do you ever wonder if the reason everything is so fucked up in your life is because of your zodiac sign? Something to do with the sun and the moon and then that whole retrograde thing no one seems to really understand but sure likes to talk about? This useful list will help you assess what is going on!
Capricorn: The sign that starts off our calendar year and thus this listicle. Jesus was a Capricorn, so that is a claim to fame for sure. That also explains your tendency towards negativity as we all know what happened to Jesus in the end. You’ve got to start looking on the bright side of life if you do not want to be…a loser.
Aquarius: You had a whole fucking age named after you and you still have never done anything interesting. No doubt about it: loser.
Pisces: Nice people. Lovely. Kind. Empathetic. Too empathetic. Overly tolerant of other people’s foibles. I hate to break this to you, but you’re a softie. Toughen up a little. Until then: loser.
Aries: Everything about you is fiery! Color red! Planet Mars! First sign of the zodiac! Born to rule! Yasss! However, your day of the week is Tuesday. That pretty much negates everything else. Tuesday is the worst day of the week, and so you, strong wilful Aries, are a loser.
Taurus: The Taurus never lets fact get in the way of their opinion, and stubbornly holds on to the belief that they are right. And they might be. Who knows. Who cares. Turns out there is such a thing as too much self-belief, so: loser.
Gemini: For these dilly-dallying individuals who cannot shop in less than two hours, and who cannot ever decide on a menu item, I have one word: loser.
Cancer: These homebodies just had the best year of their lives. No need to think of any excuses to stay home, where they love to be. Time’s up though, the world is ready to start moving again. Your desire to stay secluded unfortunately makes you: a loser.
Leo: You probably think this paragraph is about you and OK you are right, but you can’t really always be the center of everything. Verdict: loser.
Virgo: Ok let’s be fair. You are so well-organized you never lose anything, so you can’t really be a loser in the strictest sense of the word. Still, all that anal retention is not exactly endearing, so: loser.
Libra: Friendly folk. Conflict averse. Always wanting to keep everything in balance. Libra, just remember what happened to Switzerland. Sometimes you have got to take a stand. If not, you will remain evermore a loser.
Scorpio: All that obsessing about sex and death comes with a heavy price. Sure, you’re hot. But also: loser.
Sagittarius: The most famous Sagittarii are Woody Allen, Winston Churchill, and Ted Cruz. Satch, you win! You are the most loserest of them all.
