It’s Confirmed! Not Even a First-Degree Burn is Worse Than People Who Talk on Speakerphone in Public!

Oh, honey. Oh, sweetie. How do I put this delicately? The worst thing that cellphones have brought us is the “art” of talking on speakerphone in public. It’s like common decency has been thrown out the window, and people are taking full advantage of being the utmost obnoxious people that have roamed the earth. 

Someone tell me, please, who honestly thinks we want to hear your entire conversation? Who woke up one day and was like, “Why yes, I would love my business to be shared with the world, and I think these innocent bystanders would get a kick out of hearing me make plans or fight with my boyfriend, or even worse—just talk on the phone for no reason because I’m bored on this bus.” 

Let’s talk about the absolute worst version of this—back in the day, pre-COVID, when you were in a…wait for it—an Uber pool. Someone had the audacity to make a call to their friend, “just to talk”, and you literally could not escape, you were sharing that car for the next twenty minutes. I want to know what jerk sent out a mass email one day saying that was good form!

But you may be wondering why I’m comparing this to a first-degree burn, one of the most excruciatingly painful injuries one can have. Maybe it’s because being in public with someone on speakerphone makes me want to light myself on fire so that I’m no longer pissed at them. Instead, my focus would dramatically shift to being on fire. Extreme? Maybe. Reasonable? You bet your ass. 

Think about it—how much do you want to get away from someone on speakerphone when you’re stuck? It’s life or death. You consider taking extreme action, but you never know who you’re dealing with. All you want to do is ask them politely, “Hi, can you take that call off speaker?”

But they might bite your head off. They might be as aggressive as you are when you’re hangry; AKA, not a good sight. In all honesty, you want to try to get them to hang up the call completely, but you want to keep your face sans black eye, and your feelings not hurt. Ah, first-world problems.

Anna Snapp
Author: Anna Snapp
Anna is a Brooklyn-based actor and writer, trying to figure which is more important to her: taking down the men on dating apps who refer to themselves as "humble", or watching enough terrible reality TV to officially lessen her value. Anna believes in progressive politics, Dua Lipa, and mediocre boxes of Sauvignon Blanc.