Local Groomzilla Devastated About Postponed Wedding After He Booked Only the Band

Local man Andre Vespo is in a state of disbelief after his wedding was postponed, due to the virus.

“I had to stop playing my video game after I got the call. My team was winning too, but I needed a minute to process. All I could think was all my hard work, for nothing. It took me like 90 minutes to find them and send them a DM. How can anyone expect me to do that all over again?”

Andre is taking the news pretty hard. After going through lots of tears, screaming into multiple pillows, and several gallons of ice cream, Andre feels that he is nearly mentally ready to hit “call” on the contact named “Music Guyz.” Conversely, his fiance, Serena seems to be handling it in stride. She took a personal day in order to reschedule with the venue, caterer, tent rental company, photographer, florist, baker, videographer, justice of the peace, site coordinator, and drone operator. Now everything is ready to go, well, just about everything. 

Serena said, “What can you do? It took a whole day but I rebooked everything for next year- except the band. We agreed that would be Andre’s little project, which he…hopefully does soon, so we don’t breach the contract. I’m not sure why he picked a Baha Men tribute band, but at least he’s doing something for the wedding. We actually have to pay to fly these guys in from New Orleans and rent a stretch Hummer for them. Probably would have been cheaper to just get the real Baha Men at this point.”

Andre clearly has high expectations for his big day. The couple plan to exchange vows in Serena’s hometown church, followed by a reception at a dining hall.

“These guys are the real deal. I can’t believe I snagged them,” Andre says. “This is going to take the wedding to the next level. I even splurged for the fog machine package. What Serena doesn’t get is that like, I’m over here hustling. I’m putting in the manhours to make this wedding happen. I honestly wish she’d offer to pitch in sometimes.” 

Distractions abound for Andre who has continuously found reasons to delay making the call ranging from washing the dog to rewiring the kitchen sink to produce a spout of chocolate milk.

“I’ll get to it when I get to it. I feel like I’m the only one who even cares about this wedding! I try and I try and it’s just like does anyone even notice how much work I’m putting into this? All I do is try. I deserve to have an amazing special day! Everything else better be perfect or I’m going to lose it!” shouted Andre.

At press time, Andre has decided that the “vibe just wasn’t right this month” to make the call, so he plans to close his eyes and point to a random date on the calendar instead. 


Tricia D'Onofrio
Tricia D'Onofrio is a comedian and writer from Connecticut, but not the tennis part. She has determined that 2020 will be her year, despite all signs pointing to the opposite. She always believed herself to be a unique individual, but it turns out she's just a textbook Sagittarius.