Cancel the Pride parades, ladies! Homophobia is officially #cancelled this year, thanks to a singular rainbow shirt being sold at a local Walmart. Resident lesbian Emma Tacks is elated to report that she is no longer oppressed.
“It’s crazy,” Tacks said. “I mean literally just this morning someone tried to call me slur and I had to remind them that I was no longer oppressed all because capitalism finally acknowledged me as a valid consumer. Thanks, Mr. Walmart!”
And thank Mr. Walmart we will! Truly the company is going above and beyond with this shirt. It’s so popular that they’re sold out of all but two sizes — “small” and “deodorant-stained in the pits.”
“The design is revolutionary,” Walmart’s CEO reported. “It’s a minimalist rainbow with the word LOVE underneath it. It’s perfect for straight, Gen X moms who like Hamilton and used to watch Glee.”
Currently, Walmart only sells the one rainbow shirt. It’s stocked right next to their pink camouflage shirts that say “Big Mama,” so it’s in safe and good company. When asked why Walmart didn’t feature other Pride flags for different sexualities and gender identities in their small collection, Walmart had a perfect, eloquent, and sensible answer.
“There are other flags besides the rainbow one?” Walmart’s CEO responded. Insightful.
Emma Tacks doesn’t know what to do with this shirt that has changed her life.
“I mean look at it…,” Tacks said. “It’s a neon rainbow, has a terrible font, and doesn’t directly talk about sexuality at all. This is the dream that every LGBTQIA+ activist laid down their life for!”
Even though Emma Tacks is elated about her newfound life of bliss, others are miffed to the max about what they’re calling Walmart’s “absolutely flamboyant” display of support for the queer community.
“They don’t need to shove it down our throats,” area bitch Leslie Vargas said. “I mean it’s like, ‘Yeah, do whatever you want… but don’t bring me into it!’ A whole shirt? What is this? San Fran-frickin-cisco? They can keep their merchandise at their gay stores. Walmart is for two things and two things only: fistfights and shirts that say, ‘LIVE, LAUGH, HETEROSEXUAL LOVE.’”
When asked what “gay stores” she was referring to, Vargas said that she’d read about them on Q-Anon or heard about them on Fox news. Suddenly, everything was adding up.
We can’t wait till next year when Walmart decides to design a shirt that will undoubtedly cure racism, too. It’s amazing what capitalism can do!