Local Man Doesn’t Know All His Facebook Friends Are Sex Robots

On the surface, it may appear that Fred Burke is just a popular guy, or at least that’s what his friends at the gun club think.

To quote his best friend, “Fred is so popular, he is friends with over 400 women on Facebook, most of them are smoking hot!  Some of them are just close up shots of body parts.”

After a slew of high-fives, our investigation team dug deeper into the legitimacy of these friendships.

Fred allowed us access to his computer and his Facebook page. Once inside, we found several friend requests from hot women who cannot spell. These people have zero friends in common with Fred and live outside of his home state. Our team asked Fred how he believes they found his profile.

“It might be my profile picture that drew them in,” he says “I look friendly and easy to talk to.”

Our team uncovered two of Fred’s recent profile pictures. The first image is of Fred, taken upward from a phone. His sunglasses are on but he is clearly inside of a building. The second Facebook photo, which was his original photo posted in 2014, was a logo for The Green Bay Packers.

The hot girl Facebook profiles usually only consisted of one photo, either taken in the mirror or on a bed. They would have very limited interests, and most list Los Angeles as their hometown. One profile photo was just a pair of butt cheeks. After a quick investigation, it was determined that these were fake profiles run by “bots.”

A bot is an autonomous program on a network that can interact with computer systems and users. They are automated, meaning they run according to instructions and without a human user.

Our investigation team attempted to uncover any possible scams run by the bots, and even a few messages between Fred and some of his “friends.” On several occasions, the conversation started with a simple hello, but oddly enough, it was always instigated by Fred.

“I’m just a friendly guy who wants to get to know them better,” claims Fred.

Ultimately, our team felt it best to notify Fred that these were not actual people he was talking to, but sex robots. Fred was both shocked and confused, asking “Are these the evil kind of robots like in The Terminator? Or do you think they can be the good kind of robots, like in that other movie, Austin Powers?”

Our team explained to Fred that these are a different kind of robot. We also informed him that the robots in Austin Powers, while very sexy and seductive, were also evil. We offered to set up a new profile for Fred, but he declined stating,  “Just let them take me…”

Kelly Collette
Kelly is a standup comedian who has performed at limestone, San Francisco Sketchfest, laughfest and more. She tours nationally and was named Best Comedian in Cincinnati.