Well, well, well. Look who EVERYONE suddenly wants to talk to. That’s right, it’s me: Imogen Glump, local pharmacist extraordinaire. Suddenly I’m not just the freak in the lab coat throwing pills into bottles, am I? Yep, ever since the old vaccine rollout started, you freaks can’t get enough of me.
I was never the popular girl. In high school, I was voted most likely to be a pharmacist. And just look at me now. I’m like the prettiest girl at prom. As opposed to what I actually was at prom, which was not there. I wasn’t allowed to go because they were playing rock and roll music and also nobody asked me. Also, the popular girls told me if I showed up they would dump pig blood on me. Which I am SEVERELY allergic to!
Anyway. Obviously, Covid is a bad thing and I don’t like it because I am firmly anti-pandemic, and always have been. And I’m NOT afraid to say it! But ever since the vaccines have been made available, all the haters and fake beasts who taunted my pharmaceutical ways suddenly can’t get enough of old Imogen Glump. That’s right, the doctor is prescribing everyone a heaping teaspoon of Glump. And if you don’t take it? You’ll die. No, that isn’t true. The only known side effects of a Glump deficiency are pretty mild. But the side effects of a Glump surplus? Endless baskets and barrels and even heaps of fun. Come on. Just take a sip. Doctor’s orders.
Now, I can’t actually get anyone a vaccine unless it is their turn in line. In fact, the rollout center I work at has advised us to dispose of excess vaccines we don’t use. So I’ve just been drinking the liquid from all of them at the end of the day, as a shot, and then the chaser is a nice cold glass of water. I mostly feel really good. Do not tell my boss.
For the first time, I’m the talk of the town, and I am loving this attention. I am thirty, flirty, and thriving, just like from that movie. So I’m telling the kids that were mean to me in high school that if they attend my Zoom table read of a play I wrote, called Pharmacist Dreams DO Come True: One Woman’s Story of Life Over the Counter, they can have an extra dose. And then after the table read, I block them on all social media and other forms of contact. I have done this to over sixty people.
Is this wrong of me? Yes. Do I feel bad? Yes. Will I stop? No. I’m just taking this life in the spotlight one Glump at a time.
