Local Woman Buys Another Makeup Brush Cleaner That She Will Never Use

A local woman was found scrolling aimlessly through Instagram’s targeted ads, wishing she could be as “cool” as those influencers who get paid to say how “cool” something not-so-cool is. This was…weeks ago. 

She wanted to “step her game up,” like her friend who always falls for the ads encouraged her to do. Two months ago, she found it—the thing that would make her feel truly adult: a makeup brush cleaner. According to the (quite magical) video, all you do is put your brush in this little contraption with water. It power washes the bristles…and all the dirty water pours out. How satisfying, right? How adult, right? How maybe-I’ll-seem-like-I-have-my-shit-together, right?

The brush cleaner arrived seven weeks ago, and has she touched it? No. Is it sitting beautifully on her vanity so it appears she’s using it? You bet. We all know that brush cleaner (let’s be honest, if it even works) is going to sit there for weeks, maybe even months. But we understand her thought process. Sometimes you have to just buy something that will make you feel accomplished, even if you secretly don’t plan on ever using it. It’s the thought that counts!

Meanwhile, this woman is sitting on her couch, ready, with just the tap of her finger, to make another purchase that will boost her confidence, as well as her laziness. Wait, leggings with pockets that hold your keys and cell phone? Savage X Fenty bra and underwear combo for twenty-nine dollars? A fake leather backpack that will probably last three months, tops? Get ready, this woman’s paycheck from Friday is going to be gone before Monday. 

Anna Snapp
Author: Anna Snapp
Anna is a Brooklyn-based actor and writer, trying to figure which is more important to her: taking down the men on dating apps who refer to themselves as "humble", or watching enough terrible reality TV to officially lessen her value. Anna believes in progressive politics, Dua Lipa, and mediocre boxes of Sauvignon Blanc.