LOS ANGELES, CA – Over the Thanksgiving season, many of us have a lot of hard decisions to make; whether you should make an apple or pumpkin pie, what A-line skirt to pair with your black turtleneck/booties ‘fit, and which wine bottle you should bring to not share with your family. For local woman Jessa Mayson, however, there is a little more than just side dishes on her plate this year.
“Thanksgiving is just kind of a weird vibe, you know? As far as holidays go, it’s the least sexy one of the bunch, but it lends itself to so many great Instagram captions. It’s hard to strike that balance and it has me kinda messed up,” she explained, flipping through her photos from years past on her phone.
“Like, I have so many great ideas for my Thanksgiving post this year and I don’t know if I can use any of them. ‘Baste my bird?’ ‘Let’s get cranberry sauced?’ ‘Gobble me, swallow me?’ My creativity is wasted on this damn day, and I’m going to have to sacrifice so many likes. How are you supposed to attach a caption like that to a post of you standing next to your wrinkly old great grandmother? You can’t even really get any good solo pictures, either. There’s nothing attractive about shooting selfies in your childhood bedroom covered in One Direction posters, and God forbid your dad walks in on you taking pics ass out in your bathroom mirror.”
“Also, it’s like, who are the post captions even for? Hometowns aren’t sexy, and that’s just a fact. The DMs you get from a hometown thirst trap upset me more than anything. At best you get hit up by the dude who bullied you in AP chem 10 years ago. At worst? You get a call from your freshly divorced neighbor trying to navigate his new single life, and I refuse to do any more mid-life crisis hookups. Way too much crying for me.”
“Why can’t Thanksgiving be a little more like Halloween or Christmas? Those holidays are ripe for hoe shit. Instead of tweeting out ‘be my boo’ or ‘ur on my naughty list’ I’ll just be sitting at my dining room table praying to the almighty that my racist aunt doesn’t ask me about fixed elections or what WAP stands for. Haven’t we all suffered enough this year?”
“When it comes to Thanksgiving, it’s a no thanks for me. I’m sneaking out after the pie comes out, and that’s the only thing I’m thankful for.”
