Thanks to a sedentary lifestyle that you would never choose in a million years if you didn’t desperately need the paycheck, your lower back is suffering its weekly Monday through Friday decline.
Experts warn that tomorrow, it will feel anywhere from 5-30% worse than it currently feels. It’s difficult to imagine, but unfortunately very true. To put this in perspective, today, you can’t find any comfort in a sitting position. But tomorrow, you won’t be able to find any comfort while sitting down or standing up.
Come Saturday morning, scientists predict that you will finally have enough time to go on a lengthy walk or take an hour-long yoga class, either of which will loosen you up enough to finally feel relief. Your healthy work-life balance, however, will only last for two days. Because come Monday, you’re back to the old grind. By which I mean, you will sit like a lump for eight hours a day, grinding your spinal column into dust.
According to your friend and roommate Clara, you have been complaining about your low back for approximately 6 years. Said Clara, “She keeps saying things like ‘I tweaked my back yesterday,’ so I don’t think she realizes that it’s literally a chronic condition at this point.” Hmm, Clara has a good point for someone who also works a sedentary desk job and isn’t doing anything to alleviate the ergonomic nightmare it causes.
It’s hard to tell what will change between now and some unknowable future wherein you are somewhat pain free in your lower back. Maybe you should hunch over your laptop and search for effective solutions? Or just curl up with your phone and watch videos of chiropractic adjustments for a few hours? That should help!
Odds are, the solution to your back pain will be very expensive. So just to be safe, perhaps you should log some extra overtime in anticipation of these bills. You know what that means– time to hunker down at the computer and hammer out some more sedentary work! This will also add wrist pain into the mix, so you may need extra treatments for that. More overtime please!
Yep, money may not buy happiness—but it can buy expensive acupuncture sessions that don’t take insurance. So no matter what, keep clocking in at your desk job! And when your vision starts to blur in hour ten, just lean closer to the screen. You can get Lasik when you’re rich!