Man Caught Leaving His House in Grey Sweatpants Swears He Wasn’t Asking For It

Jordy Peterson left his house last Sunday morning for a seemingly innocent trip to the grocery store. Little did he know, wearing grey sweatpants to pick out peaches, almost as plump as his cute little behind; would result in a flurry of crass catcalls. 

“It was laundry day, they were the only semi-clean pants I had left. I heard the rumors, showing off your peen or whatever, but I didn’t think anything would happen,” said Jordy, commenting on his decision to wear such a sluttly choice out in public last week. One catcaller, his eldery neighbor Missy, who suffered a heart attack moments after seeing Jordy that morning, showed no remorse regarding her vulgar comment about Jordy’s sweatpants: “He wanted to get me all hot and bothered and he knows it! I’m the real victim here!” 

Jordy maintains this was not the case. “I wasn’t looking for anything except half a pound of dry salami!” he stated, tearful, recounting his interaction with his usual deli-woman Helen. “She told me ‘We don’t sell pork as tasty looking as yours at this market.’” One of the hardest parts of the ordeal, according to Jordy, wasn’t people’s words but their eyes– all searching for a glimpse of an outline of his average-sized penis. 

Jordy told sources that when he arrived home afterward he felt ashamed and uncomfortable, almost shaken– so much so that at multiple times on his venture he thought about running home to change. “But then I asked myself, what kind of world do we live in if a man can’t leave the house in whatever he damn well pleases without facing harassment?—” Jordy’s attention was then caught by a hot chick in biker shorts, “Hey sexy mama! I see you in those shorts, girl! What that ass do?! Damn!—Oh shit, sorry, where was I? Oh yeah! Not a world I wanna live in.”

Kayla Devereux
Kayla is a writer, comedian and all around hoot! She once bumped fists with Danny Pudi and is now invincible.