“I promise babe, I’m going to do better! I’ll work on myself! You just need to hang in there and support me while I change.”
He had said this before, but his warm IPA sloshing in his pint glass with every emphatic gesture hypnotized you into giving him another chance. And now here you are, three months later, and nothing tangible has changed… it’s starting to make sense why he sleeps in a bunk bed, well into his thirties.
He’s always talking over you about how he’s changing and becoming a better man, but whenever you try to get specific about how he’s doing that, he’ll spout platitudes, but no specifics.
“What is it you’re doing?” you’d asked on a recent dinner you were paying for.
“Babe, if you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always be where you’ve always been.”
“Soo….. therapy?”
He laughed. “Who needs therapy when you have P90X and protein powder?”
You wanted to be supportive. You even liked the shirtless Instagram picture taken in his dirty bathroom mirror. In the caption, he claimed to have lost 2 pounds, but all he really appeared to be losing was his hairline.
Then the Kanye meme’s started….
The first Kanye meme should have been enough to end things, but the fact that you stuck around for the second one is truly embarrassing. Kanye Meme once, shame on him. Kanye meme twice, shame on you.
“You’re either green and growing or you’re ripe and rotting,” the text in his story floats in quotation marks next to a serious-looking Kanye West. You’re fairly certain Kanye never said that.
You swipe out of his Instagram story and over to your text messages.
“Hey, we need to talk.”
He responds quicker than usual, “Yeah, we really do.”
He calls you quickly on the phone. Maybe he really has changed!
“Hey babe, I just wanted to let you know that all this work I’ve been doing on myself is really paying off and I think I’ve turned a corner.”
“That’s amazing! I’m so happy for you! Did you start journaling, or….?”
“No, I’ve been taking these supplements from online that are banned by the UFC, because the UFC wouldn’t ban something unless it really worked! And now my abs are wicked ripped! I think I’ve finally become the man you always wanted me to be.”
“That’s so wonderful, but I really was just wanted you to communicate a little be-”
“So anyway, we need to break up. I’m in the prime of my life now, and I need to keep my options open. You were right when you said I needed to change, but careful what you wish for I guess.”
He hangs up and you sit there staring at a wall. What a terrible 23rd birthday
