Middle Aged Car Regrets Bumper Sticker From Youth

I got started with with a tribute to my grandma, who died in a bad accident with an 18 wheeler. After we paid our respects, she was sold to a junkyard for scraps. That was back when I only had 4,000 miles on me. I was a kid. So I wanted some fresh ink in her honor. (Mostly to be cool, if I’m being honest). I got “coexist” scrolled under my license plate. Pretty rad, right? Nanna didn’t approve of bumper stickers, but I thought she’d make an exception for this one.

Shortly after that, someone backed into me, so I got another one to cover up the damage. This time, I chose “Good Vibes.” To speed up my recovery time, I started watching what I put into my body. I was on a totally synthetic diet and was running exclusively on corn oil, and thus, I added ‘There is no planet B.” You see, I’m very passionate about saving the planet. I bet I’m electric or solar powered in my next life!

The next few bumper stickers were more commemorative. For example, my buddy and I climbed Mt. Washington, so you had to get the sticker. It gives you a little clout in most parking lots. That was a really steep incline! I had to get totally new brake pads after that voyage. After that, I was starting to look a little unbalanced, so I wanted something artsy to even my bumper out. I went with a simple floral design. That one is still my favorite. Then, I got involved with a guy that does bumper stickers and he asked if he could try one on me. He showed me his sketch book and seemed pretty legit. However, it turned out all blurry and
unprofessional. I acted like he nailed it, but he missed the mark big time.

That’s the one that I want to cover up today. So embarrassing! Not only is it misspelled, the drawing is messy with a capital M. That’s what I get for going with an amateur. He wrote “Born to Bee Will’d.” It’s supposed to be a bee, but it looks more like a housefly drawn by a 7- year-old. For the record, I’d rather not be “will’d”- I’m wild! W-I-L-D

In my cover up, I’m really hoping to find something artsy and colorful- and spelled correctly. Etsy has some blue whale ones that really piqued my interest. They also have RBG, or a roller skate? I’m basically one big roller skate. Decisions, decisions ….Ooh! Of course! The Patagonia label. Simple and chic, with clean lines. Everyone loves to say that it doesn’t hurt and it’s just uncomfortable, but let’s be real it definitely kind of hurts. You know who else this won’t hurt, the mechanic and that guy who once ripped my bumper off with his bare hands. Don’t be a hero, dude!

Image: Auto Evolution

Tricia D'Onofrio
Tricia D'Onofrio is a comedian and writer from Connecticut, but not the tennis part. She has determined that 2020 will be her year, despite all signs pointing to the opposite. She always believed herself to be a unique individual, but it turns out she's just a textbook Sagittarius.