It’s a question as old as time itself. Yet, one that bears no cut and dry answer. Until now. Hi, I’m Linda Von Smuck, medium and psychic. But most importantly: I’m a woman, who sometimes gets horny. And why should that horniness be limited to people who are “alive?”
The question is: if your house is haunted, is it morally okay to date the ghost? The short answer: yes. The long answer? Yes. Let’s dive into it.
People always ask me, “Linda, are ghosts real?” They are real, and they’re just as horny as you and me. Imagine the cold winter months are closing in on you, and you have no mate to hold close as the leaves turn to dusty ash. Cuffing season, you may call it. Now imagine you’ve been dead for some time, and it’s always kind of cold, and you’re rattling chains and floating around moaning. Some may say, that sounds like me before I’ve had my morning cup of coffee! But seriously, people. This can be the pained existence of a lonely spirit with nobody to love. And why should a spirit not get to date? Hm? Ask yourself that. I have dated over fifty ghosts. Each more passionate and loving than the last.
If your home is the dwelling of a lost soul, start by leaving out romantic notes for them. Something simple, like “I would love to have dinner sometime. If you’d like to have dinner, knock over my Faberge egg collection.” If the eggs are shattered before the next nightfall, you know you’ve got a date! Prepare something light and elegant. A carbonara will do. Set out a plate for you and a plate for your undead friend. Start with polite small talk; never bring up how they died. Keep it light! Politics and talk of war will suffice. If you’re feeling frisky, go in for a kiss on the cheek. But be warned: your head will fly through their head and likely hit whatever is behind them. This is something all living/unliving couples will get used to with time.
To the haters, I say: what is it about dating a ghost that scares you? Haven’t you ever been so lonely you’d spend all your time with someone who died in the 1910s in a jalopy accident and is so cosmically lost they’ve since forgotten how to utter even a single word, and can only gasp, point, throw you through walls, and project the moment of their death into your mind? Grow up!
Ghosts are people too. Unless they’ve been dead so long their souls have fully withered and rotted, and now they’re something far worse. Something deeply inhuman that your feeble mind cannot even comprehend. But I think we’ve all dated men like this. So ultimately: show a spirit some love today. Go kiss that ghost in your attic. There’s no harm!
