Mysterious! 4 Theories on How Your “Broke” Roommate Can Afford All Those Plants

You and your roommate jest about how broke you both are during these trying times. Oh, you laugh at and relate to each other’s financial struggles that have pushed you to scrimp and save. You sit in your roommate’s room while they share a hilarious story about taking an absurd number of free samples from a beauty store. Mid-laugh you notice something. A new plant. A ZZ plant dangling from your roommate’s ceiling with a thick macrame hanger. It’s sitting in a glazed ceramic pot. You excuse yourself to the restroom. As you enter, a brand new snake plant stares you right in the face. A watering globe stuck firmly in the soil shows you your horrified expression. How is your roommate able to afford all these plants and plant accessories? Well, we’ve got some ideas.

1. Selling black market fertilizer

The plant industry is booming. New plant parents are looking for a foolproof way to have the plushest plants possible. Your roommate has started pushing super ultra concentrated neem oil. One drop is enough to make an Olympic pool-sized amount of protector. They have also started making rare, forbidden fertilizers. They have a plethora of endangered animal fertilizers including sheath-tailed bat guano, panda pebbles, and bald eagle droppings.

2. Feet pics

The economic market is pretty clear on the currency exchange. A regular foot pic is exchanged for one aloe vera. A foot with toe rings gets you a string of pearls. A foot in a high heel gets you a yucca. A foot stepping on food like cake, maybe a squishy fruit are highly valued. Depending on the food, you get a small to large variegated monstera. A foot with the pedicular cushion in between the toes gets you bonsai since you pay attention to detail and keep things manicured.

3. They’re a star in the underground art world

Rich people have their own little art world where they pick up their dining room decorations for billions of dollars. Your roommate found an in and quickly captured the attention of the 1%. They are the current media darling and the next Andy Warhol. They’ve taken this opportunity to sell abstract oil paintings and then they use the cash to ball out at the Home Depot garden section. Pollocks for pollen.

4. They’re a medium…for pets

Night shifts are a great way to earn extra cash. At night, in the room next to yours, strangers bring in their dead pets and attempt a seance. Their loss is your roommate’s gain. This explains the ominous barking and wall-shaking that wakes you up at night.

Bex Nava
Author: Bex Nava
Bex is a UC Davis alumni who started their own standup and improv clubs on campus. They are now on a journey to make comedy more inclusive and accessible. Find them one day running a queer cafe/comedy venue.