New 23andMe Test Reveals Whether or Not You’re Related to the Kardashians

23andMe, based in Sunnyvale, California, is historically known as a genomics and biotechnology company. It was originally created to help people discover whether certain illnesses had a proven genetic history within a certain lineage, and to create steps to prevent those illnesses in concentrated populations- thus creating an increase in prevention success rates. 

Luckily, the new and improved version of the testing will take out all that boring information and get to the good stuff: whether or not you’re related to a famous celebrity. Once purchased, consumers are given the option to narrow down their results to specific celebrities. A far-removed cousin to Rihanna or David Bowe’s fourth uncle are some of the expectations that users have formed for their results. Unfortunately, the reality of the results is far more dark and gruesome – almost everyone is related to a famous dictator or relentlessly violent ruler. Less Fenty and more genocide-y. 

The test itself is performed with a Qtip and a general impression of said celebrity to increase test accuracy. Since saliva contains DNA, a saliva collection kit complete with instructions will be mailed to the consumer to retrieve the sample. Get into it, use your Qtip as a mic, pretend you’re at an open mic, and you’ll be alright alright alright. Soon you’ll receive genetic insights that can help make it easier for you to finally cut yourself a gay mullet. It’s what your nephew Bowie would have wanted. Amanda Royd, a resident of Los Angeles county, took the test and was surprised with her results. 

“I was hoping to share a grandfather with Joseph Gordon Levitt, but the results showed me that I have a long lost identical twin. Oh well. I guess Christmas coal came early this year,” Ms. Royd said while frowning at the floor tiles. She kicked her feet in frustration and added “I even did the test for my dog. He’s a dalmatian named Leslie, and I was hoping he would have some of that famous, rich dog DNA. But, a-lassie, he does not.” 

Many others attempted to complain to the company for not providing juicy, interesting genetic details about celebrities they admired.

“I want to know if Oprah and I have the same thyroid problem. It would make me feel less alone if I knew the richest woman in the world had at least one similar struggle to me” said Dan Wilson, another participant of the genetic test. “We both like growing tomatoes, so there’s gotta be something there. A great aunt that we share. C’mon. Somethin’!” he begged.

To minimize the frustration exuding from these complaints, participants without a celebrity relative are able to learn one thing about Lindsey Lohan that they didn’t know before from the “The Even Deeper Secrets of Lindsey Lohan” program. This initiative has already started to increase customer satisfaction and is expected to amass more success after the launch of its sister program “12 Foods Joseph Gordon Levitt Eats that May Surprise You.”

Bex Nava
Author: Bex Nava
Bex is a UC Davis alumni who started their own standup and improv clubs on campus. They are now on a journey to make comedy more inclusive and accessible. Find them one day running a queer cafe/comedy venue.