Software developer Niantic has just announced the launch of ComicRelief, a new app that enables users to see just how many sexually dangerous comedians are in their general vicinity, and issues alerts when one is getting too close for comfort.
Niantic spokesman, Dylan Yakamora, said the app will help address public anxiety as to the potential whereabouts of comedians who are clearly sex offenders, but have not faced criminal prosecution or the resulting registration requirements.
“There are lots of resources out there to help people identify registered sex offenders and avoid them, but stand up comedians pose a special threat because they almost never face any consequences for their actions, and they travel around quite frequently.”
The way the app works is very similar to Niantic’s greatest success, Pokemon Go. Though Yakamora cautions users against trying to catch the predator like they would a Pokemon,“That is a job for Chris Hansen. When you receive an app alert that a stand up comedian who has been publicly accused of sex crimes has entered your zip code, act like you’re the Pokemon being hunted. Remain indoors if possible. Cancel your tickets to any comedy shows in your area, as the comedian predator may be making an unannounced or surprise appearance at the club.”
And the app doesn’t just cover professional comedians. It includes shady open-micers as well. “When we were developing this app, we scoured the internet for any and all credible sexual abuse stories involving someone purporting to be a comedian. We then sent programmers to cities and towns across America to implant GPS chips into the necks of offending stand-ups as they slept.”
According to Yakamora, the GPS trackers are so small and seamlessly installed that offenders likely won’t even be able to tell they’ve been chipped. “We went into this knowing that some of the big names were going to get x-rayed. Which is why we designed the trackers with an explosive device that detonates automatically if removal is attempted. We hated to resort to such extremes, but it really is in the best interest of the public.”
When asked how Niantic plans to protect themselves against a potentially catastrophic class action lawsuit, Yakamora says he doubts it will happen because the potential plaintiffs won’t want to be associated with each other. Louis CK’s legal team reportedly conferred with Bryan Callen and Chris D’Elia’s attorneys in response to the app launch last Friday, but released an official statement saying “Louis did not f&^# up as bad as these guys. We are not pursuing joint legal action at this time.”