New Diet Trend Recommends Removing All Your Teeth To Prevent Eating, You Fat Piece of Shit

Hey ladies, we all know how important it is to attain that sexy, smoking hot beach bod for summertime. You may be feeling hopeless, lost and searching endlessly for an answer. Well, I have it. It’s not eating healthy, exercise or anything crazy and impossible like that. It’s not keto or paleo or any other weird diet that you’ve heard of. Ready? It’s removing all your teeth to prevent yourself from eating! Recommended by hundreds of attractive social media influencers— they all still seem to have their teeth, odd, but they SWEAR it works wonders— also recommended by over fifteen women’s magazines, definitely not designed to market a singular, unrealistic body image to women everywhere; it’s endorsed by me, a nobody!

Are you sick and tired of waking up every morning and slogging to your bathroom mirror? Are you tired of berating yourself for being a giant, ugly, fat piece of shit for an hour until you’re in tears? And then finishing off your fun lil’ self-hatred session by eating your feelings with a nice big pint of Ben and Jerry’s Phish Food ice cream?

I know I was. Removing your teeth just to prevent eating may seem drastic, and my dentist and doctor were totally not on board with this idea (thank God for the black market, amiright?!) but I can attest, it works wonders. I’ve been on this diet for approximately a week so far, and my life has changed completely for the better. For one, I haven’t bitten my tongue while chomping down on a nice fat burger recently! Haha, but jokes aside, the side effects really aren’t even that bad! I only fainted once while driving and got into a minor fender-bender. Plus, I’ve found the best way to handle being hangry is to channel that anger inward, wallowing in my deepest insecurities and using them as a reminder of why I started this journey in the first place.

However, I can’t tell a lie. No one is perfect and we all have our downfalls. No crash diet is easy and I think it’s important to be upfront about that. The third day, my stomach was grumbling and it felt like my belly was on fire. I did the first and only thing I could think of; I went to visit my grandma in her nursing home. We played bingo and were having a blast, but I caught a glimpse of what I was looking for. Finally my moment came. She coughed a little too hard and when her dentures fell out I snagged them off the bingo cards, shoved them in my pocket, and fled. I drove, lightheaded, from the thrill (not from the lack of food) to the nearest Taco Bell, got myself a crunchwrap supreme combo with a large Mountain Dew and popped in the dentures. I practically inhaled the meal which I probably could’ve done without the dentures. At this point I was really riding the high. I couldn’t stop myself. I got in my car and drove down the street to McDonalds, then the KFC and I think I blacked-out around the time I hit Arby’s because eventually I woke up in my bed covered in secret sauce with no recollection of how I got there. I called my grandma to apologize the next day but she hasn’t returned my call.
Needless to say, it hasn’t been easy. This diet isn’t for everyone and definitely has its ups and downs but if you can commit to it, like me, you can also lose maybe 3 and half pounds and continue your own destructive cycle of body image and self-pity issues! Also, don’t even WORRY about the no teeth thing! You can always close-mouthed smile for your insta-worthy beach pics!

Kayla Devereux
Kayla is a writer, comedian and all around hoot! She once bumped fists with Danny Pudi and is now invincible.