New Fitbit Owner Devastated to Find Out How Far 10,000 Steps Actually Is

My partner bought me a Fitbit for Christmas, knowing I had been thinking it would be good to start getting some exercise in. New Year’s Resolution: get healthy. Game plan: 10,000 steps per day. I wanted to be one of those people that says at 5pm, “Oh no no no. No wine for me yet. Gotta go get my steps in, and then I will have deserved a glass or two,” or, “I love going to the mall! Such a great way of getting my steps in!”

Getting healthy seemed like way more fun than I had previously assumed. Who needs a gym when walking from your car to the food court does the same job? On January 1 I was like: Move on over, Kate Upton, I have a FitBit and I am not afraid to use it. I’m about to swagger my way through these steps!!

By mid January something awful had become apparent to me. 10,000 steps is a fucklot of steps. Like a LOT. Here is a list of activities and the number of steps you will take while doing them:

  1. Walk round the block – 700
  2. 2 walks round the block – 1400
  3. 10 walks round the block – 5100 (There is actually a super cool shortcut I discovered one night in round eight.)
  4. Walking to Subway – 925 (Not THE subway. The sandwich shop. You should try their meatball marinara sub. So good.)
  5. Walking to a Subway further away – 1575 (Tiring. Definitely get that special deal where you get a bag of Sun Chips and a soda as well.)
  6. Walk in place while talking to on the phone – 200 steps per 5 minutes. In other words, if you spend 4 hours per day talking to your friends, you’ll get the job done.

You know what you have to do to reach 10,000 steps?

  1. Walk 5 miles. FIVE. MILES. PER. DAY!!!
  2. 90 minutes of vigorous exercise. NINETY. MINUTES. EVERY. DAY!!!

All of a sudden, going to the gym does not sound like such a bad idea anymore. And you know a health craze is bad when it makes going to the gym feel like the more desirable option. I returned my FitBit and I got myself a 3-month gym membership instead! I will report back next month to let you know how it’s going!

[Editor’s suggestion to our readers: do not check back next month. This is not going to end well. ] 

Lalita Dee
Author: Lalita Dee
Lalita Dee is a writer and comedian originally from Amsterdam. Her observational and narrative humor describes her queer experiences as she navigates her way through the US, the heteropatriarchy, and single motherhood. Her humor has been described as “intelligently hilarious” as well as “some feminist BS."