New Gun Control Law Requires All Gun Owners to Shoot Self in Foot Before Purchase

In an out of character act of compromise, the US government has reached a conclusion on how to maintain Second Amendment Rights while promoting gun safety. A new law requires all prospective gun owners to shoot themselves in the foot before they are allowed to bring home their new gun.

How did Democrats and Republicans arrive at this conclusion? Look no further than gun salesman Herb Splunk.

“When I bought my first gun, I was like, ‘this is awesome!’ There were no background checks or anything. It was super easy. But then I got home and I accidentally shot myself right in the foot. I was like, ‘this is not awesome!’ But it gave me an idea about making sure people were serious about gun ownership.”

Many people were skeptical of whether or not this would work. But not Herb. “The simple truth is, once you’ve been shot in the foot, you’re gonna be like, ‘Ow. Getting shot sucks. I shouldn’t shoot someone, because I know how it feels, and my foot hurts now.’ It’s pretty basic stuff, folks.”

Herb’s store was the first in the nation with the ‘shoot yourself in the foot’ policy.

“Nobody’s ever died from shooting themselves in the foot at my store. So, it’s a pretty safe system. To all my critics, I say this: guns are scary and weird. Like, I get it, you can have one. Those old guys on our money said you could. And who am I to argue with people that have been dead for 200 years? Kidding, those guys were insane. Also, they owned slaves. So, I don’t get why we’re still listening to these freaks. I thought this rule would help. Just don’t do anything weird. If you’re willing to shoot yourself in the foot to promise you’ll keep that safety on, I say go for it.” 

The US government is proud to compromise on this front because as we know, they are obsessed with the Founding Fathers and dare not go against a rule they wrote before anyone alive currently exists, even a little bit. Herb pointed out the Founding Fathers were racist, smelly, losers who didn’t even know how to use iPhones or even iPods. But if we insist on playing by their rules, he’s happy to adjust and implement this store policy. And he’s happy to help you shoot yourself in the foot with every purchase of a weapon. 

Callie Webb
Author: Callie Webb
Callie is a comedian, human being, and woman. She has a fondness for George Michael and videos of unlikely animal friendships.