New Mom Realizes Her Baby is A Lot Like Everyone in High School Drama Club

THE LOUDEST ONE WINS
No microphones necessary (or available). The one who can project best always gets the last word/the role of Tevye. TRADITION!

TEARS
Daily meltdowns will abound. Often multiple times. There’s no way to prepare for these, they may be sparked by a whisper, a note or improper crust removal. Best advice? Take a tight five.

PROPS NEVER GO BACK ON THE PROP TABLE
Neither toddlers nor artists can be responsible for “details.” Expect to find items under furniture, in other people’s lunch bags, in toilets. All the world’s a stage… and all parents merely being played.

RESTAURANTS WILL ALWAYS BE A PRODUCTION NUMBER
The same horrified stares the diner staff gave your 28 person Little Shop of Horrors cast directly matches the look you get when your little one throws their mac and cheese across the table. These out-of-house meals will always take too long, be too messy and cause other patrons to give you mixed glares, wishing a a real flesh eating plant would arrive at your table.

NUDITY IS DISCOURAGED
Both “Hair: and pantsless toddlers in public do not get approval.

SPATIAL AWARENESS IS NECESSARY BUT IGNORED
No matter how many times you block a scene or ask everyone to keep their hands to themselves, it won’t get you anywhere. Someone will always be overly gesticulating, knocking down the set or forgetting what downstage actually means.

IT’S ALL OVER WAY TOO FAST
You’ll emerge exhausted, sore and partially broken, but you will consider these among the best, craziest, most love-filled years of your life. And don’t forget, you always have the sequel to look forward to: TEEN: The (Very Angry) Rock Opera. Someone hand me a prop Xanax…

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Susan-Kate Heaney (Los Angeles, CA) @sue_kate Susan-Kate Heaney is an actor (Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, The Mindy Project, Masters of Sex), writer (multiple one-woman shows, webseries, movies) and new mom (Clover). She loves comedy and performs live often (improv, stand-up, sketch). She is the host of a podcast called "The Quirks" and spoiler alert... she has many of them. ​