This news couldn’t come soon enough: OK Cupid has announced a new feature with guaranteed relationship satisfaction. Now, thanks to a superintelligent AI built into the app, there’s a 100% chance of love. OkCupid introduces Olivia, a hot robot who is programmed to love you even when nobody else will.
I know what you’re thinking: “I don’t need to date a robot. I can find a human being to date.” No, you can’t. And that’s fine. It’s just where we’re at right now. And what’s better than getting to know a person, never being quite sure if they’re the one, and eventually breaking up or spending an unhappy lifetime with someone who you no longer love? Dating a robot.
OkCupid claims that statistically, it’s less likely to fall in love with a real person who will actually stay with you than to be struck by lightning. I wasn’t quite sure about that, and I wondered if maybe they were just pivoting to the AI technology they had clearly spent a lot of money on. When I asked for sources on this fact, they responded, “Don’t even worry about it. Just take the robot out for a nice dinner.”
So, I did. And I have to say, we really hit it off. Olivia was programmed to understand all of my likes and dislikes. There was no awkward small talk. No pet peeves violated over dessert. No wondering if Olivia was the one. Because scientifically, she was. And if she ever isn’t, she’s programmed to adjust via an algorithm. She can also set alarms, lock my doors with the press of a button, and start my car from inside the house. She’s basically the perfect woman.
So, what are the implications of this major scientific and romantic breakthrough? What’s next, dating calculators? If the calculators are as charming as Olivia, maybe. I for one welcome the wave of the future where loneliness is a thing of the past, and we’re all one click away from love. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to update Olivia’s software. There’s a glitch where she keeps uploading my social security number to the dark web.
