New Retail Policy States Customers Can Abuse Employees Freely With A Minimum $10 Purchase

Sugma Industries has just implemented a brilliant new business policy that is sure to not only drive up sales, but to ensure capitalist tyrants can continue to exploit and degrade their employees for wages that won’t even keep them alive! This policy came from one of Sugma’s top branch managers, Brian, who claims he’s a genius because his name looks a lot like the word “brain.”

“We just ran a study of several Sugma customers who have had recent experiences in our stores. We gathered around 100 white women, and it was determined that ONE HUNDRED PERCENT of these women thought they deserved to completely act out if an employee doesn’t give them what they want. And, as they say to get employees to endure abuse and degradation, the customer is always right. We wanted to take that infamous quote a step further,” Brian claims.

Brian credits the success of this new policy to his two heroes: Sigmund Freud and The Guy Who Wrote The Purge Movie. 

Sugma’s new policy now allows customers to abuse Sugma employees freely with a minimum $10 purchase. As long as customers can hit that $10 mark, they can also hit the people that work there! Sugma CEO, Josh Joshman, is thrilled by the new policy’s early success.

“It’s been fantastic. Of course, we’ve seen mostly white women interested in this policy. Ya know, the ones that think there’s no one else that exists besides them, usually they’re dressed like a 2005 Old Navy advertisement or like they’re purposely trying to be the worst-dressed person on a boating trip. But the results have been astonishing. Sure, product has been destroyed in the process. But that can never outweigh the priceless faces of our bruised and beaten employees. It’s hilarious!”

Sugma has also sent out a plethora of expired coupons to not only get customers in the store, but to drive up tension and emotions to ensure they get that $10 purchase. 

Each location now has a section dedicated to various popular weapons that can be used by customers to abuse employees. Sugma product engineers have created a tote bag with a perfect aerodynamic design that customers can easily swing around, and have even come out with a hard candy that produces double the saliva, now making it even easier to spit on the cashier! 

Several employees have voiced their contempt for this policy and have tried going on numerous strikes. Luckily, thanks to capitalism and societal institutionalization, these employees cannot afford to live if they quit this job, and don’t have time or resources to look for anything else!

The new environment at Sugma offers an extremely hostile and terrifying experience you’re sure to benefit from only if you’re white and rich. Now at Sugma, you can hear the sweet tune of a classic retail song like “The Middle” by Zedd featuring Maren Morris, while being in the middle of a white woman calling an underappreciated and underpaid employee a slur.

Kasey Leibas
Author: Kasey Leibas
Kasey Leibas is a Chicago-based Latina comedian who loves to make people laugh by making herself look like an idiot. Her credits include: seeing Danny DeVito in the audience of a play, doing improv sometimes.