“Not All Who Wander Are Lost” Says Woman Airlifted Out Of National Forest

After a week-long search, rescue workers were finally able to locate the 30-year-old woman who went missing at a National Park. The woman, who is asking to remain anonymous, was found severely dehydrated and delirious but in stable condition and was airlifted to a local hospital.

She intended to go for a 3-mile hike on a popular trail but was distracted by a butterfly and ventured off the main path. “It was going to be a great photo,” she said. After she was unable to find her way back onto the trail, she thought she heard the sound of a waterfall and decided to follow it. “TLC was right,” she later commented, “Stick to the rivers and the lakes.”

After finding a small babbling creek (with no waterfall), the woman became very worried that she was not going to make it out of the forest by sundown. She called her best friend, who also speaks in generic quotes.

“Coco Chanel says that ‘A girl should always be two things: classy and fabulous’ so I told her to stay calm and keep her cool and let it be a journey for her,” stated her best friend. “After about an hour she called back and said that she was still lost and her phone was losing battery and she was afraid to lose the phone signal. That’s when I told her to pick a direction and run. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, right? I guess she picked the wrong way because I didn’t hear from her that night. That’s when I called 911.”

A search party was put together the next morning. It was explained to rescue workers that the woman was just trying to live her best life but was most likely in serious danger. Volunteers searched her car to determine if she had purposely gotten lost for attention.

“Over the last few years, ever since that Reese Witherspoon movie came out where she hikes a lot, we’ve seen an increase in people hitting the trails alone and also an increase of people…how do I say this delicately… just, wanting to feel something,” said the lead volunteer.

It was confirmed upon rescue that this was in fact an accident and not a publicity stunt. The woman survived by living off of the granola bars and gum she found shoved in the bottom of her backpack. She sought shelter under the trees for many days and was finally located about .8 miles from her car. 

“Did you see the footprints leading out of the woods? There was only one set,” she said as a man carried her to the helicopter.

She later added, “Not all who wander are lost!” and “I took the path less traveled dammit!” before they had to sedate her for treatment. She is expected to make a full recovery after seeking a psychological evaluation.

Kelly Collette
Kelly is a standup comedian who has performed at limestone, San Francisco Sketchfest, laughfest and more. She tours nationally and was named Best Comedian in Cincinnati.