Now Hiring! CDC Seeking Creative Writers to Make Up New Covid Variant Names

Needed at the CDC: Creative Writers to Name New Covid Variants

The CDC is here to announce that as we run out of letters of the Greek alphabet, which we didn’t really know to begin with, we are going to need new catchy names for all the Covid variants that are yet to emerge. If you have experience with creative writing, we want to hear from you!

Only fully qualified creative writers need apply. “Qualified” is defined as follows: you went to school for writing, you know someone who went to school for writing, you know someone who went to school, you once saw a school, you have access to the internet, or your uncle assures you creative writing is not actually a thing. (It’s not. Please get vaccinated and a better job). 

Apply directly to the CDC. Please follow these guidelines before sending an email: wash your hands for 3 minutes, or if you had eggs for breakfast recently 10 seconds is enough. Sanitize your hands before touching your keyboard, and if it’s a Mac make sure your gel is lavender scented. Make sure you are vaccinated and boosted, with either J&J followed by Moderna, J&J followed by Pfizer, Pfizer followed by Pfizer, or a pint of IPA chased with a double tequila. If you have recently traveled to Mexico you should chase with vodka. 

Your country needs you! Now! Or tomorrow. Or in 10 days. Maybe 5 days. Do you even have symptoms? Listen, if you’re still alive by Wednesday you probably don’t have it. Chill out – but wear a mask just in case. And apply for this fantastic writing opportunity! The pay is great. Well, it’s OK. Actually, it’s on a voluntary basis. But think of the exposure! To so many new readers and publishers. And to all the variants we have yet to discover. Which you will name. You can start at 8am on Monday. 

Lalita Dee
Author: Lalita Dee
Lalita Dee is a writer and comedian originally from Amsterdam. Her observational and narrative humor describes her queer experiences as she navigates her way through the US, the heteropatriarchy, and single motherhood. Her humor has been described as “intelligently hilarious” as well as “some feminist BS."