10+ Things My Upstairs Neighbor Is Doing to Make Me Question If the Ceiling Is Going to Fall Through

Being in tight quarters in New York City has always been the norm. You’re so on top of each other that you have this strange intimacy with people you live close to but never speak to, sometimes never even see. Quarantining has made this closeness feel even more tight nit. I for one have learned a whole lot about my upstair neighbor’s workout routines. Since gyms have been closed, they have had to find new ways to get their daily cardio in. It’s hard to tell from my spot on the couch eating homemade bread, but I have my theories.

  • Opening and closing the drawers of their bureau as often and as enthusiastically as possible in order to engage the upper body
  • Tap dancing with clogs made of cement
  • Sex
  • Vinyasa Yoga with an emotional support elephant
  • Ten pin bowling
  • Stomping on bugs only they can see because it’s been so long since they’ve been outside they are hallucinating
  • Sex
  • Pushing a bureau full of clothes from he bedroom to the kitchen
  • Jumping Jacks in high heels made of lead (their calves are going to be the size of grape fruits)
  • Vacuuming. Everything.
  • Yelling
  • Loud yelling while having sex
  • Droping things and picking them back up to only drop them again. Core work… you know.
  • Pushing the bureau back to it’s original spot. Repeating with the bookshelf.
  • Opening and closing every door in the apartment to the beat of their own demonic drummer soul
  • So much sex
  • Lying in the fetal position and tapping morse code into the floor. Maybe they want to get to know me too.
  • Hammering a signal nail into the wall over and over again just to get one arm really good and bulky
  • Dragging the bookshelf back to it’s original place because It is now the dining room table’s time to shine
  • Sex on the floor/my ceiling directly over my desk when I am having a conference call
  • Riverdance
  • Simply bouncing up and down, time of day be damned
  • Playing fetch with the baby elephant, which I would really like to be introduced to

Their cardiovascular health is going to be top notch after all this is over. I’m a little resentful that they are going to be so much more fit than me down here doing my quite yoga and pilates with no endangered two ton support animal, but I just don’t have the same imagination or resources. We all have to cope during this time in our own way.

Niki Hatzidis is an award nominated playwright and actor living in NYC, which means she tries too much, cries a lot and laughs through everything. Usually Coffee stained and running late because of the MTA.