I have to say, I quite enjoyed this tale!
With her kind nature, red lips, and white skin, Snow White is perfection personified from the first moment we see her tidying up the royal steps. With her beautiful dulcet soprano melody, she implores a wishing well for what every girl dreams of. Before she reaches her final note, her wish comes true, and a handsome prince on a white horse comes to her rescue! Were it up to me, I’d end the movie right there. I was fully satisfied in this moment. However, I suppose they do have to make it worth our money, so the story continued for quite some time.
Succumbed to her beauty, the handsome prince falls in love without even so much as an interaction. Which is just about the sweetest thing that could happen to any woman! Like a true romantic, he follows her to her home and sings outside of her window, where we learn that her evasiveness is a mixture of playing hard to get, and embarrassment due to her shabby appearance. Clever move Snow! Had he seen her for more than that first moment, he might have discovered her clunky shoes and tattered dress and moved onto the second most beautiful girl in all the land.
Upon witnessing this interaction, the Queen decides to have Snow murdered, at which point I couldn’t help but think, would things have turned out differently with my husband Douglas’ secretary if I’d had a huntsman at my beck and call? The Queen is upset because her mirror informs her about her aging, fading beauty. Apparently she’s never heard of cold cream! Had I been the mirror, long ago I’d have suggested that the Queen take some scotch tape and fix it to each temple. Then stretch and pull until the forehead wrinkles are no more. Attach it to her head wrap on either side, and let it stay there until she wakes up just before her husband, so she can erase all evidence of her natural appearance. But then, I’m no mirror.
I might say that Snow White owed her beauty not solely to her looks, but also to her gentile nature. The Queen on the other hand, lives as a perfect example of just what can happen when a woman is given a bit too much power. As Grumpy says, “You give women an inch and they’ll walk all over ya!” That’s why it’s so important for the man to take control. The Queen asks the Huntsman to bring her Snow’s heart in an adorable jewelry box similar to one that I saw in the window at Bergdorff’s the last time I was in the city. But Snow is so darn adorable, he tells her to run after pulling up her skirt and crying into it.
Lucky for Snow, singing helps everything. She quickly finds a small house and like a good young lady gets to cleaning it post haste! This was a delightful scene that reminded me that simply by whistling while I work, cleaning house can be its own reward. At this point Snow still thinks she’s in a house built for children, which I suppose, once I hit sixteen or so, having children around was about all this girl could think about!
Poor Snow was all alone and so scared, but was quite relieved when that group of men showed up to save her.
We meet the adorable, hard working little men who apparently live in the poorly kept little house. They dig up shiny gemstones for a living! Snow White truly walked into a girl’s dream come true! As Grumpy so keenly points out, all females are full of wicked wiles. So at first they’re right to be…bashful! Haha. The way to any man’s hearth is his stomach, which is proven when Snow promises to earn her keep by cooking for the small fellows. Like a good woman she shames them for not washing and holds the food over their heads to motivate them into bathing; a nightly routine in my house.
If I had to pick anyone in the cast to marry it would definitely be the prince, but second prize goes to Grumpy elf because he reminds me of my husband, Douglas!
As the story progresses, the Queen becomes an even scarier monster when she adopts the persona of the most frightening creature of all, an even older woman. The next part of the film reiterates why I never answer the door when Douglas is gone, which is most of the time. The Queen shows up giving her a poisoned apple meant to make her sleep forever which, to me, sounds delightful.
I wish I had birds to help me bake pie.
Lucky for Snow, she was too beautiful to bury so they put her in a beautiful glass and gold coffin. I hope for a similar final resting place. But no issue is too difficult that it can’t be fixed by a kiss from a handsome man. She awakens, and finally the happy couple is together. Snow can leave her life behind for his, and the two can at last ride off into the sunset, and perhaps have their very first conversation. Oh, and, the ugly old Queen dies.
Overall I give this film 5/5 pies for its dreaminess, relatability, and wonderfully poignant life lessons. A wonderful example of a woman’s wildest dreams coming true!
Image: Lisa Laureta/Medium