“A Pandemic is Bad, But a Zombie Apocalypse Would Be Way Worse” Insists Highly Intoxicated Roommate

LOS ANGELES- While watching Night of the Living Dead last Wednesday night after drinking an entire bottle of cheap Rosé, thirty-three year old Haley Hendricks had a revelation. She paused the movie mid-zombie stagger and turned to her roommate, Daniella Marguiles, with slow, dramatic effect.

“I thought she was about to vomit so I got up to get the paper towels,” said Marguiles, thirty.

“But then she grabbed my wrist and stared at me the way my aunt does when she’s trying to tell me she loves me.”

“Do people realize,” slurred Hendricks, “That Covid-19 is bad, but a zombie apocalypse would be way worse.”

Marguiles, who had now been quarantined for eight weeks, sat down in the hopes that her roommate’s drunken rant might prove to be as entertaining as the one about how milk is cow urine and that’s why it needs to be pasteurized.

“I mean, people are all like, ‘Boohoo, I can’t see my friends in person,'” Hendricks continued.

“But it’s like, ‘Well, what if your friends were zombies?’ Like, what if you were a zombie?” she said pointing at Marguiles aggressively, “I’d have to shoot you in the head and I don’t even have a gun.”

Marguiles crossed her legs and encouraged Hendricks to continue.

“I figured that if I took on the posture and composure of a therapist, that she might keep talking and I really wanted her to do that,” said Marguiles of the conversation with a shrug.

“The vaccine hasn’t happened yet, but we both know it will,” said Hendricks as Marguiles nodded along, “And it will be a shot of medicine, not a shot that’s a bullet, you know?”

According to Marguiles, it was then that Hendricks smeared chapstick more outside of her lips than on them.

“Like some people aren’t taking the six feet apart thing seriously, but they totally would be if the Coronavirus turned people into zombies. And we’d have to sit inside of abandoned buildings and be dirty and always ready to die like in The Walking Dead,” said Hendricks as her eyes filled with tears. “And I tell you I love you all the time, but it’s just a thing I say. I definitely don’t want to die with you. No offense.”

“And that’s when I hugged her and encouraged her to make a Youtube video about all the excellent points she’d made,” recalled Marguiles with a wicked smile. “I feel like making that video is going to be the activity that replaces sourdough bread for the rest of the week. Mark my words: It’s gonna be like Drunk History meets Plandemic.”

Image: Medium

Courtney Blomquist
Courtney is comedian, writer, and occasional photographer in Los Angeles. She's a little bit basic, but also a little bit rad, so it all evens out in the end.