All the Bad Things You Do To Your Body That Green Smoothies Will Totally Fix

Turns out a smoothie that is mostly dairy and sugar, in order to mask the taste of kale, is a magical elixir that can reverse all your bad decisions! Think of it as the life booster in a video game. You’re feeling warn down because you just slept for three hours and have the diet of a frat boy? Simply throw the lettuce juice down the hatch and BAM! Instant life points!

If you drink a gallon of coffee a day, that pear and spinach sludge you paid $8.50 for will totally make up for the fact that the only water that passed your lips all day, were the few droplets you rinsed your tooth brush with that morning. That headache you have is not from dehydration, but the energy your brain went through to fool you into thinking that concoction was delicious and totally worth going into overdraft for.

You’re three days into your week and you step back and ask, “Have I eaten anything that was a natural color?” Sadly, you have forgotten what a vegetable looks like. Do not fret. Eating starch and artificial flavors for a week is fine, as long as you blend those greens wilting in your crisper, and down it like you’re in a beer chugging contest. You can even set a timer and find an applause sound effect to reward yourself. Just incase the thought crossed your mind, adding beer to that slop will not make you enjoy it better.

You had a chocolate cake for dinner and haven’t had a normal sleeping schedule since you were a minor, where you were threatened with a grounding if you disobeyed. Now you have to adult all on your own and lack impulse control. Grind up some frozen berries, snort them if you want, you don’t even need to add any rabbit food to it, and do some yoga. Boom. What chocolate cake? #adulting

That fuckboy you’ve been sexting back and forth with for months is giving you an emotional work out. The green smoothie will not cause you to time travel and gain back the hours you wasted, or help you unload the emotional baggage that you will ultimately have to work through in therapy. But at least drinking liquid broccoli makes you feel like you have your life togethr. Good for you! You not only have a hard on for red flags, but you’re also a masochist. Perhaps after you stop gagging you should start meditating about your poor life choices and drink more water. In conclusion kale is gross but it will make you think you solved all your problems. Put it in a smoothie now!

Image: Vitamix

Niki Hatzidis is an award nominated playwright and actor living in NYC, which means she tries too much, cries a lot and laughs through everything. Usually Coffee stained and running late because of the MTA.