Blanket Scarves and Fashion’s Other Answers for Social Anxiety

Look hot, and not just because you’re nervous sweating. 

Blanket Scarves

Adorable AND advantageous. Not feeling the small talk at your best friend’s flannel themed engagement party? Double wrap one of these babies around your dome-piece, and disguise any distinguishable facial features. Sure, it’s more difficult to house cheese in the corner, but that’s an activity best done in private anyway.

Cowl Neck Sweater

Just like one of those frilled-neck lizards, when the neck on your sweater is down, you’re an easy-going schmoozer, but when that thing stands at attention, your family will understand this is NOT THE TIME to inquire how work is going, how things are with Mark, or why you won’t just have all the babies already. They’ll understand that behind that gorgeous heather-gray sweater, lies a woman who is best left alone. 

Parachute Pants

We’re not talking about your uncle’s Bugle Boys here, we mean actual parachutes hitched onto the back of your regular pants. Make a clean getaway, or at least clear out a room with the irresponsible deployment of the ‘chute. Doesn’t matter if you’re not in a plane at 10,000 feet, do whatever it takes to avoid figuring out if you’ve ever actually met that person or if you just follow them on Twitter. Do they follow you back? Do they even know you exist? Get out, get out!

White (Noise) Gold Earrings

So gitzy, so glam, so calming! Pop in these dazzling danglers, and let your eardrums get blown out by the sound of a babbling brook. More specifically the babbling brook that reminds you of a peaceful camping trip in the woods, not the one who sits in the cubicle next to you, who always seems to have the hiccups and thinks you should like really, really go with her to the Magic Mike sing-a-long karaoke on Thursday night.  The hearing loss may be permanent, but that’s probably fine. Available in pierced and clip-on options. 

Weighted Bathing Suit

Admittedly, not ideal for going in the water…but if you’ve got to be in a bathing suit in front of people, you may as well feel like you’re being hugged by 20 lbs of serotonin while you’re at it. Remember, stay dry, don’t cry. 

A Whole-Ass Sleeping Bag

Black is always slimming, even when it’s filled with down feathers, fleece-lined, and comes from LL Bean. Socializing is exhausting and when you truly can’t do it anymore, you should take a nap, instantly. Go ahead, waltz around town in a sleeping bag, and when you’re done, be really done. Grab some floor space, lay on down and conk out. You’re working hard out there. You deserve it.

Image: Daily Express

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Laura Manasewich is a comedian and humor writer. She runs on French fries and petting other people's dogs. Please don't leave her a voicemail.