Blissfully Unaware Basic Bitch Says She’s Most Thankful for Her Ombre Hair During This Pandemic

My mom bought me a gratitude journal for Christmas. Supes subtle, Mom, THANKS. But a month into quarantine, I’ve decided to actually use it.

Because a massive amount of free time is best spent trying to imitate Oprah. And, truth be told, I need to give my eyes a break from my ninth day of binging Real Housewives. So I’m going to be be briefly grateful while I allow this sheet mask to suck last night’s rosé out of my pores.

Here it goes, bitches!

I’m grateful…

1.) That Target is still open.

2.) That I already had ombre hair when this all started.

3.) That my hard, paleo-pellet-poops don’t require much toilet paper.

4.) That I used a bath bomb with a surprise amethyst hidden inside of it. I really appreciate a good self-care-twofer in these dark times.

5.) That I didn’t Marie Condo away half of my leggings in February.

7.) That I can have both White Claw AND La Croix delivered to my doorstep.

16.) That I have a scented candle that smells like outside. Because now that outside is forbidden, I just want to huff that candle ’til it burns off the facial hair I usually have professionally removed.

8.) That I gave up the nail salon and switched to press-ons a few months ago when I suspected my nail tech of judging me.

10.) That I have slipper boots that look like Uggs.

11.) That I still have five avocados left.

14.) That I finally have the time and space to realize I hate all my friends.

15.) That my face actually looks better when I cover it with a scarf.

Aw, gratitude is so cute. I loved that for me! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to watching rich women complain about literally everything.

Courtney Blomquist
Courtney is comedian, writer, and occasional photographer in Los Angeles. She's a little bit basic, but also a little bit rad, so it all evens out in the end.