Carrying Mace May Decrease the Odds of a Surprise Party, New Study Says

Middle children and attention seeking adults everywhere long for the day where all of their friends blow them off, in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, there is a secret surprise awaiting them at the end of the evening. Picture this: A rooftop surprise party, just like an episode of Girls.

But sadly, many are inadvertently ruining their chances of this dream coming true by carrying a common item in their purse. Who would have thought Mace might make people hesitant to lure you somewhere? 

According to a new survey from the Pew Research Center, potential surprisers have listed Mace as a deterrent, stating, “Our polling shows a negative correlation between surprising events and easily accessible Mace. It’s about a 60% decrease.”

Most experts would agree that it’s best not to surprise someone who may temporarily blind you, but imagine how fun it will be to see their shocked face! They didn’t even have a clue!

Jai Newberry, a party planner for the stars, weighed in, “It’s my policy that if you have mace on your keychain, an authentic surprise is simply out of the question. It’s the first thing on my contract, next to my napping canopy. Planning is exhausting!”

“I will allow a ‘soft’ surprise, which means someone spills the beans earlier that day and then the surprised will put on a good show, but that’s the best I can do,” Newberry added.

While safety is important, one might also argue that the pursuit of adoration and attention may be even more important.

Orthodontist Jaleena McHue said, “My thirtieth birthday was rolling around, so naturally I was crossing my fingers for the big S. My hopes were up, only to be disappointed when my significant other had the nerve to ask me what I wanted to do for my own birthday. Needless to say, we’re in couples counseling.”

Citizens who treasure the appeal of a tube of Mace are finding themselves making a tough call these days. What’s more important?     

A. The chance that someone in your circle wants to orchestrate an ornate surprise party complete with a plan for throwing you off the sent, a scheduled arrival time and a point person to work with your lover and family to coordinate your whereabouts.*


B. Your personal safety and wellbeing.

*Why kid yourself ?  You did hear Eliza mention the word ‘party’ the other night at Jamil’s. It was his birthday party but like she was kind of looking your way and your birthday is in like two months. Case closed! Time to trade in that Mace for a taser anyways. 

Image: That Sweet Gift

Tricia D'Onofrio
Tricia D'Onofrio is a comedian and writer from Connecticut, but not the tennis part. She has determined that 2020 will be her year, despite all signs pointing to the opposite. She always believed herself to be a unique individual, but it turns out she's just a textbook Sagittarius.