Concerned Amazon Cart Stages a Panic Buying Intervention


How are you coping in quarantine? Just kidding, I already know.

This is your Amazon cart here. Sorry, this isn’t about the status of the arrival of your candle making kit (it will take months to get your house to stop smelling like a crayon, by the way). I’m reaching out because I think your orders have gotten a little out of hand, and quite frankly unethical.

I want to preface this by saying that I know I’m not the best reference to guide you on the moral high ground. I know that I can sometimes be an enabler and my workplace is not the best example for human rights at the moment, but boy have some of your panic orders been egregious; and down right concerning, actually. I’m really worried about you. <3

You know, at first I understood the desire for 10,000 gallons of Purell, I really did. I got the dire need for 500 face masks and Clorox wipes. Though, I bet you feel a little shitty about that now… considering all the nurses and doctors that have to use cheese cloth for protection. But I feel like you may have jumped off the deep end a little bit. I think it’s time for me to step in for an intervention. And before we go on, no we do not have any toilet paper, and that build-your-own-bidet kit is going to end in disaster. Trust me. From the one star reviews I get, it seems that pipes bursting is chalked up to just human stupidity, not the actual product. I know the types of books your read so… If you have never held a wrench before, please do not start now.

I need you to keep it together and stop ordering all the yeast. Actual bakers need to make bread for the supermarkets so children can have their grilled cheese sandwiches you selfish millennial. It’s not all about your sourdough starter! Also can you post a review about the yeast? Thanks.

Since when did you get into crafts? I know there’s a global pandemic, but did Martha Stuart astro-project and invade your body? We both know you aren’t going to brew your own beer, no matter how cute that guy on Bumble you’re virtually dating is. So how many of these needle point kits are just going to go into your “craft cabinet?” Needle point? Really? Have you been reading Jane Austen again? You ordered the anthology four years ago so if you haven’t been able to, now’s your chance! Maybe it will help you chill out a bit. Oh, by the way, your craft cabinet is on its way!

No, we do not carry any kilns. This is not specific to just you because I’ve seen your order history and I’m scared for your neighbors. Not at all. We just don have any. Sorry! 🙁

I’m a little confused. What are you planing to do with the jumbo pack of condoms? You do know that you don’t need to put them on the 23 dildos you ordered right? And while we’re on that subject, how often are you playing with yourself that you have gotten bored of your original vibrator? Have you heard of yoga? I should also mention that other’s who enjoyed the Orgasmo 1000x have also ordered, Am I Sex Addict? Just an unrelated suggestion. I really hope that bleach is for cleaning. I will check in on you in the next few days.

I know that in uncertain times we may act a little irrational. If learning the ukulele helps you cope, that’s fine, just cool it on some of the panic orders. Maybe don’t go through with the hazmat suit order in every color. One is fine.

Sincerely your dear friend, Amazon Check Out Cart

Image: Amazon

Niki Hatzidis is an award nominated playwright and actor living in NYC, which means she tries too much, cries a lot and laughs through everything. Usually Coffee stained and running late because of the MTA.