Dying Grandma Won’t Allow Visitors Because She “Doesn’t Look Hot”

Listen, sweetie, your ma told me you want to go visit nanna… The doctors don’t know yet.

They’re doing tests. Tests, lots of tests. Let’s not make a big to-do of it. Yeah, she was a little dehydrated because poppa forgot to remind her to drink her juice. She tripped on her little dog, her teeth went flying. She’s got a bit of shiner on her wrist.  It’s a whole thing. I know you mean well, but you can’t go visit her.

Why? Well,  because just she doesn’t…. look good

Is this possibly the last time you’ll see her alive and on this earth?  Chances are yes. She has already outlived everyone in her immediate circle except for her cousin Ethel, with the glass eye. Nanna’s hands look like they are made of pages from the bible. It takes her an hour to eat half a cup of Cozyshack. She’s 94 for cripes sake! The woman gets winded from cracking open a tub of cottage cheese. 

Here’s what you need to understand about my mother: My mother is a classy lady. She wouldn’t be caught dead in that JC Penny crap.  She wears only the finest that Chico’s has to offer. Forget Silver Sneakers- she belly dances to keep her girlish figure.

I don’t want you to remember her with tubes and the wires and the beepy machines. That’s not how she wants to be remembered. She wants to be remembered as she sees herself: a hottie with a body that just won’t quit. 

When she hit 85, she made me swear up and down that I wouldn’t let anyone see her looking less than a Florida 7. Let me tell you, right now, she’s a hard 5 – even with a little rouge on her cheeks.  She won’t be down for long, she’ll get back up to a 9 in no time, but until then she’s got to lay low so no Face Times or showing up at her window or anything like those kids on the news. In the meantime, why don’t you make a nice card – cursive, please?    

Image: Golden Girls

Tricia D'Onofrio
Tricia D'Onofrio is a comedian and writer from Connecticut, but not the tennis part. She has determined that 2020 will be her year, despite all signs pointing to the opposite. She always believed herself to be a unique individual, but it turns out she's just a textbook Sagittarius.