Extremely Loud and Incredibly Gay: A Guide to the Queer Art of Power-Clashing

As a paragon of lesbianism, people ask me all the time, “Maya, how can I let the hot gay girl who makes my coffee know that I am also gay and ready to be flirted with?” Reader, worry no more! With the right combination of polka dots, flannel, and floral prints, you can go from lesbian to les-BEING.

The queer art of power-clashing has been described by the heterosexual media as “loud” and “an assault on the senses.” As always, the straights are half-right. Loud? You bet! With the right power-clash, you can’t be ignored- the whole room will hear you in that vertical-striped top combined with that tiger-print skirt. And “assault on the senses” is hardly an insult. Did you know that “peacock” comes from the ancient Greek “pea,” meaning “to attack,” and “cock,” meaning “stimulate”? Well, it does. And peacocks are beautiful. And so are you, in your sequined denim jacket and camouflage yoga pants. 

But enough history. You came here to learn how to be a shiny billboard on the highway of sexuality, and I just love that for you. Follow these steps, and you’ll be the one making that barista coffee, if you catch my drift. (My drift is that you’ll have sex with the barista, and she’ll stay the night at your place, so you’ll have to make her coffee in the morning. Don’t ask her to make it “because she’s so good at it already.” She makes coffee at work, she wants a break. Seriously. Don’t do this. If you do this I will make sure you never know peace again until your dying day.)

TIP ONE: Never double up on a pattern. This is a rookie mistake. Power-clashing doesn’t mean big polka dots on top, small polka dots on the bottom. It means big polka dots on top, checkered pants, and maybe a fun hat. Remember, you aren’t a clown- you’re a peacock. 

TIP TWO: Comfort comes first. I know leather pants and a corduroy jacket just scream “I’m a horny gay woman!” But nothing is sexier than a woman who is comfy as hell, so don’t pick that outfit. Unless you’re comfortable in leather pants, in which case, holy shit, take me now!

TIP THREE: Do whatever the hell you want! Ultimately, power-clashing is all about having the confidence to wear something crazy in public to strike fear and lust into the hearts of others. I can give guidelines, but it’s up to you to make your wild outfit your own.

With this handy guide, you should be unstoppable. Now, get out there and kiss that barista!

Author: Maya Satin
Maya is a Boston-based sketch writer, improviser, and vampire. When she isn't doing a show, she can't be found, so don't try looking. Also, a construction worker once cat-called her sandwich.