Family Bullies Dad Into Unlimited Data

Back in the bygone flip phone era, things were different. If your mom went out to run errands, you just had to hope she’d be home in time to bring you to Jasmine’s house. You couldn’t even get ahold of her because she didn’t bring her phone with her. Image a world, where bringing a phone was strictly optional. Back then, the cell phone was for calls and texts, and your family’s old desktop in the coveted “computer room” was for prowling the interweb.

The invention of the smart phone lead to data plans. These plans range in cost and limits, but one thing is for sure: Dads are tight about them. You see, a dad who only checks his phone twice a day assumes his family shares this amount: about 6 minutes total. Due to this

discrepancy between dads and their families, trying to buy a “reasonable” data plan for a family of five people poses quite the challenge.

“My dad usually prints out the bill to see the breakdown of who is using the majority of the data. I’m proud to say, I am the reigning champ,” said 19-year-old Lena D’Orito.

“My sister Tessa is gaining on me lately because she travels a lot as a face painter. My mom is trailing us with her Bible apps and Facebook posts about the family. She’s getting hip. We even got her to stop signing her name on her Facebook comments,” she added.

The D’Orito family currently has a 10 gig data plan for the family of five.

“As long as we can push us over the edge a few more times, I am fairly confident my dad will spring for the unlimited data eventually. He just needs convincing. Worst case scenario, I’ve got an ace up my sleeve. He’s really worried about being called a boomer, so there’s that.”

“My boss said she was going to promote me to a party princess soon, so I’ll be doing more traveling as Snow White and Elsa,” commented 21-year-old Tessa.

“The Garmin GPS just isn’t cutting it these days. The other day it tried to lead me on a rock road. Not a dirt path, a literal road of rocks. Don’t tell me dad, but that means data and lots of it,” she continued.

Lena and Tessa’s father, Martin D’Orito said, “They have it in their head that we need unlimited. We don’t need anything except food and water – and maybe HBO. They’re killing me with the charges for going over. The girls need to cool it with the data a bit. Cool it.”

As for the rest of the family, all brother Trevor has to say is, “This month, I bet Lena that she would use over 4 gigs. Now she’s treating me to a new golf club.”

Image: AMC/Mad Men

Tricia D'Onofrio
Tricia D'Onofrio is a comedian and writer from Connecticut, but not the tennis part. She has determined that 2020 will be her year, despite all signs pointing to the opposite. She always believed herself to be a unique individual, but it turns out she's just a textbook Sagittarius.