Girl Drowns Upon Realizing Jesus Sandals Don’t Make You Walk on Water

An 18-year-old Florida girl was pulled from the ocean yesterday, following an unexpected plunge at her parents’ beach house. Hannah Smith was enjoying a weekend of makeovers and underage champagne drinking with her friends when she took off down the house’s dock, in hopes of defying gravity. Her goal? Walking on water.

A few months prior, the high school senior purchased a pair of brown leather sandals that she believed doubled as a flotation device. Smith claimed to be saving the sandals for a special occasion.

The popularly known “Jesus sandals” feature multiple straps, toe cages, and allow your feet to be seen at all angles. While the sandals only claim to make you look like a disciple, Smith thought the designer brand tag meant otherwise.

“I know Jesus wore these, I’ve seen stained glass,” the teenager said before the accident. “I paid $1,200 for them, they have to be the real deal.”

With full trust in her expensive purchase, Smith decided to show off her spiritual gift. At approximately 5:37p.m. she made her way down to the dock, encouraging all of her friends to witness the modern day miracle.

“She just strutted out there, yelling, ‘Praise be to me,’” said close friend Sarah Richards. “We tried to warn her.”

Despite desperate cries from her posse, Smith attempted walking past the dock’s end, immediately falling 30 feet into the ocean unknown. She struggled to pull herself to shore, but the heavy cork bottoms of the sandals pulled her down. Afraid to gain water weight, all 12 friends remained on the mainland, unable to save her. Witnesses described the scene as “If Jaws took place in Forever 21.”

“It’s tragic,” replied Richards, “You can say, ‘No sandals after Labor Day’ all you want, but some people don’t listen. Like, Jesus.”

Smith is survived by 14 pairs of Louboutin pumps. The teenager’s mother is now bringing awareness to the cause, suing the sandal company for “inaccurate biblical value.”

Hannah’s father, whose credit card was used for the purchase, could not be reached for comment.

Image: 3H Shoes

Caitlin Arcand
Once upon a time, Caitlin had a fever dream and started this website. Now she's stuck writing satire for all eternity.