“Here’s What You Should’ve Done” A One Sided Conversation With a Male Open Micer

First of all, usually women have to be ugly or fat, or both, to be funny…but you actually have punchlines so good job.

I’m actually working on my first one man show, it’s about dealing with the trials and tribulations of aging. Yes, it’s a comedy, obviously!

So I don’t know if you realize it or not but that second thing you said, there were like, a couple of levels to it, which was really clever. Not sure if you did that on purpose but it was like, actually pretty smart. I’m not sure what you’re doing after this but I’d totally be willing to sit down with you over drinks or something and like, help you out a little. I used to submit late night packets so I know a lot about like really succinct joke writing.

Can I say something that might come off as offensive? Okay, I’m gonna say it. When you first got up there, I was like, “Wow she’s hot,” but then you started performing and I was like, “Whoa, she’s actually really beautiful.” Like, cause you had something to say, which is so rare. It really makes you stand out up there.I’m so glad you didn’t do any period jokes. You know, once upon a time, I sent in some stuff to Kimmel, and I know for my packet, I tended to use more topical stuff so I think that’s a good thing to work on actually. I was gonna do that tonight but I wanted to dust off some of my old stuff. You missed part of my set cause you were in the bathroom but I reworked my masturbation bit and I think it’s finally there! You gotta work, you gotta hit every single mic you can, every day, otherwise, what are you doing? Ya know? If you need someone to go to mics with let me know, ‘cause I know guys can be a little creepy. Here, hang on, I’m gonna go to the bar, but first I’m gonna touch your lower back as I pass you. You want anything?

Okay I’m back. I was just thinking, you’re not drinking, which doesn’t exactly make this an even playing field, does it? I’m not saying you have to be drunk to get my jokes but like, there’s a reason comedy clubs have a minimum, I mean, even headliners need you to be a little tipsy, ya know? Nah it’s cool you don’t drink, that’s great. So what are you doing later? Oh that’s right. Well, here, give me your phone and I’ll put my number in it, that way you have a buddy for mics. Where ya going? Okay cool. See ya next time then!

Image: Brokelyn

Lisa Laureta
Author: Lisa Laureta
Aspiring cartoon character Lisa Laureta is a writer, voice actor, animator, comedian and creator of Sock Karen, the problematic white sock puppet. She's worked with some really famous people which means she's special and important. www.LisaLaureta.com because when you're laughing, you're more bearable.