Man oh man, it’s that time.That time of the month when you cry for no reason, are a bitch to your best friend, feel (and look) like a beached whale, and for God’s sake, you’re bleeding out of a place where you really shouldn’t have to. And it’s day three. The worst day. The peak of it all. That bag of Reese’s is your nutrition for the day, and you don’t care whatsoever. You’re at the height of “queen bitch” territory, and you just snapped at your boss when all she did was say she needed you to look over the memo you sent her yesterday.
And, on top of all that, you couldn’t be craving sex more. You want to tear off the clothes of every single semi-attractive man you see on the subway, but you can’t. Because it would be a bloody massacre.
But there is hope. With these helpful tips, you can be eradicating those “I’m such an ugly blob of despair” feelings and come out of day three a new woman.
1. Look in the mirror, and recite the Lizzo lyrics we all love: “I’m a bad bitch, non- committal.” These empowering words will remind you that you are the fiercest queen around, but on this day, you don’t need a man to make you happy. You are your own best friend, the most beautiful (and badass) woman in the land, and the biggest catch of them all.
2. Try on every loose-fitting dress you own. Don’t you dare try on any fitted clothing! This is the trap. You’ll look at your stomach and ass in the mirror and fall into a downward spiral of hopelessness and gloom. Empire waist or a baggy fit is the way to go. Let that tummy breathe, and you’ll forget all about the bloating disaster of…day three.
3. Avoid stalking influencers on the good ol’ gram. You’ll regret it immediately. Their toned bodies that fit into a size XXS leggings that they’re desperately trying to vouch for will make you feel like an (un)natural woman. You know logically that they aren’t hotter or better than you, but on day three…anything is possible. Your mind will trick you into thinking you’ll never amount to them. But trust me, just because they’re part of Bachelor Nation doesn’t mean you aren’t worthy. You are sexy—stay strong, soldier.
Besides these useful tools that will get any of us out of our mid-period rut, remember to be gentle with yourself. You do deserve that glass of wine, that piece of chocolate, dare I say…even that six-minute pornographic video. You are a gorgeous goddess, and in just a few days, you’ll be free of this misery. Well, at least for a few weeks.