How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days: Help Me Find the Boyfriend I Lost in Ikea

Kara Boyari has been searching for her missing boyfriend Jason, that she lost in Ikea, for 10 days now, and things are starting to look bleak.

“The last time I saw him, we were by the beds. When we rounded the corner, I saw the little bunk beds, and I started telling him about how twins run in my family. I stepped away briefly to ask an employee for a pencil, and when I turned back around, he was gone.”

When pressed, Kara admits that their fledgling relationship may not have been prepared for the Titan that is the first Ikea trip. “He hadn’t said anything since we’d passed the couches and I’d mentioned how both of our leases were up in a few months. This was only our eighth date, so of course I wasn’t thinking about moving in with him, but I was considering thinking about moving in with him.”

After losing Jason, Kara immediately called the police, who immediately hung up on her. With no options left, she bribed some cafeteria workers on their break to help her set up a trap near the exit using Swedish meatballs and sparkling pear juice, but to no avail.

After the first few days of looking desperately for the man Kara’s not even sure she likes, it was time to up her game. Kara brought in the big guns, her half Beagle, half Yorkie, Pudgums. Kara had Pudgums search the whole store for her “soulmaybe.” Pudgums was convinced that Jason had ended up in the cafeteria, but a closer inspection yielded no results. Since then, Kara has been camped out in the outdoor section, waiting for Jason to return.

“Is it a bit extreme? Sure, probably. But I’m almost 35, which doesn’t bother me, but it bothers my mom, and she bothers me.”

If you have any information about Jason, or any advice on how to put together a bookshelf, please contact Kara.

Image: In Habitat

Kayla Esmond
Author: Kayla Esmond
Kayla is a comedian and butch bisexual from Texas, currently raising 4 cats and a million plants with her boyfriend and multiple roommates in LA. She's a wine mom with no kids and strong opinions on the gender dynamics of serial killers.