Who ever thought the ideal time for Valentine’s Day was after a holiday that bankrupts you, and during a time of year that is dark and depressing, was probably single and vindictive. You already had to buy this joker (the man you’re currently tolerating) a present that proved the value of your affection 7 weeks ago. Now you have to do it again? You’ve had to eat cereal in place of meals just so you could pay your rent, and now the chocolate and greeting card industry wants you to spend more money? How selfish!
You really only have one choice… become fluent in the art of re-gifting. There’s one major problem though, the holiday that made you hang out with your family also made them buy you useless gifts. Most of which are monogramed for some godforsaken reason. The socks from Aunt Karen have a big jolly Santa on them. Grandma knit you a sweater with her arthritic fingers that has “Nana Loves You” embroidered in bright red across the chest. The cousin you never talk to gave you a candle that smells like a cinnamon fart.
But there’s a way to get creative. Kind of.
Here are your options:
1. Have you thought about giving him the funky candle while naked? What you really need is a distraction, but sparklers are dangers and your boobs are free. I don’t recommend using your body to get things from men, but you’re poor and a man’s feelings are involved and we don’t want to mess with those!
2. It is February and it’s cold, so if you live in a frosty place, waiting around in the buff might not be ideal. Instead, cuddle up real close and whisper lovingly in his ear, “It’s chilly and Nana really does love you.” Nana is your pet name now, and he can wear it proudly on his new special sweater.
3. Use some lipstick to write “forever yours” on your favorite tit.
4. If all else fails you could dip those socks and/or yourself in chocolate. Yes, it’s gross, but he’ll be so confused or turned on that you won’t need to worry about a gift. *This option has a risk of you being committed or broken up with.
The funny part of all this is that he’ll probably forget, or just pluck flowers from the neighbor’s yard. At best he will swing by a gas station and buy a cardboard box, shaped as a heart, filled with chocolate covered toothpaste. But you win with creativity, my friend. Now you can guilt him into a better present on your birthday, because we have become so empty that society tells us that the only way to we can try to fill that hole inside of us is with stuff. Only with a teddy bear holding a heart with “I wuv you” stitched on it can we prove we’re whole and loved.
At least you didn’t give any of the money you have left to those swindling greeting card and chocolate companies!
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Image: Shutterstock/NY Post