How to Survive as a Poor Person (Written By a Very Rich Person)

I’ve been hearing many things about a rising cost of living and it breaks my heart that people are struggling. So, I wanted to give some advice. After all, everyone has challenges from time to time, and it is our duty to help each other through hard times.

Here are my best money saving and money making helpful hints! These tips have really helped me throughout the years and I know they can help you too! 

• Make sure you’re putting aside money into a 401K. Even just a few thousand a week will do. That way you’ll be able to retire by the time you’re 45. 

• When you go to the cosmetics counter at Bergdorf’s, don’t just buy one thing, buy all of the things, and then…poof! Free lipstick! 

• Let your maid have Christmas off. I know what you’re thinking, how could I possibly have Christmas without precious help from whats-her-name (what’s her name again)? Firstly, I didn’t say give the day off to the nanny or cooking staff, did I?! No, I didn’t, I’m not insane. If you let your maid have the day off, you avoid the hassle of paying her for the day in addition to her Christmas bonus of having her buy herself a ham, wrap it and then give it to herself. Plus, I’ve been recently informed that the larger cleaning up happens post-Christmas anyhow. 

• It pains me to say this, but…sell the jet? No. No. Forget it. I could never ask you to do that. 

• Rent out the jet. I know, I know, but, tough times, right? 

• Instead of going out every night, save some money and throw a catered event at one of your properties! Have everyone else come to you! Beats the heck out of paying for valet. 

• Don’t tip. If they wanted to make money they’d have a better job. Tipping just rewards a decision to become a waitress or barista. 

• Blow dry your own hair. HAHAHA! I’m kidding, of course. That would be ridiculous! Blow dry your own…ha! You should have seen the look on your face! 

• Have you considered marrying someone significantly older? They’re much more established financially and it’s mostly the same if all the lights are off. Make sure all the lights are off. 

• Sell your helicopter and subscribe to a monthly helicopter service. I know it seems rather banal, however it’s very millennial of us to do, and costs merely tens of thousands rather than hundreds of thousands. Either way you’re saving on gas, which is great for the environment! 

• Rent out your mega yacht for an extra week every year. We did this and it’s already starting to add up. After all, the ship gets lonely all by itself in the Med. 

• Consider flying first class on shorter flights, rather than private jet. I know, I know, but I said consider. This will put you in a frame of mind of desperation which is typically when your best ideas about how to tap into your trustfund happen. 

• Ask your parent(s) for money. Asking them separately is best, as they likely won’t communicate with one another unless absolutely necessary, thus leading to 

two separate payments! 

• Invest in properties. If you were to buy a house for $1.5 million and put a mere $500,000 into it, you could likely sell it for close to $3 million. I know it doesn’t sound like much but if you do this multiple times it can really start to add up. 

• Did I mention marrying well? 

Well, I hope that helps, I’m sure it will! I have to go now, it’s 2 pm which means it’s time to spend 15 minutes with the children! 

How to Survive as a Poor Person By: A Poor Person 

• Steal 

• (or die)

Image: Time

Lisa Laureta
Author: Lisa Laureta
Aspiring cartoon character Lisa Laureta is a writer, voice actor, animator, comedian and creator of Sock Karen, the problematic white sock puppet. She's worked with some really famous people which means she's special and important. because when you're laughing, you're more bearable.