Look me up and down. Really take me in. Ice-blonde bob and all. What words come to mind? PTA Meeting? Neighbor who calls the cops? Karen? Yeah, I know. All the words but “cool.” I look like a less hair-sprayed Long Island Medium and I read minds like her too, okay? I know what you’re thinking.
Well the jokes on you, because actually, I have an undercut. And I don’t think I have to explain that undercuts are COOL. My shaven maven hides beneath my blonde bob so that every time someone rolls their eyes when I ask for the manager, I know that I’m secretly a cool-beans-wild-card WHO SHAVED PART OF HER HEAD. I mean, all I have to do is get that half-inch hummingbird tattoo I’ve been coveting and it’s basically like I just got out of prison. That’s right, I’m a trend watchdog. And I’ll have you know that according to Pinterest, “prison-chic” is a thing. The goal is to look edgy enough that you could be a hitman/stuntwoman when, in reality, you just sell candles on Etsy and happen to have lots of tattoos.
When I told my hair dresser what I wanted to do, she said, “Are you sure, Suzanne? I always thought of you as a good Christian woman, not an undercut-heathen.” And then I glanced at her butt-length, pink-tipped hair and said, “Well I always thought of you as a 40 year old woman, not a wannabe-mature-porn-star.” That shut her up. I actually think she enjoyed shaving my head after that.
To be clear, my undercut is in the back, in a triangle, hidden by helmet-like bob. You know the bob; it’s soft, yet aggressive somehow. Anyway, that undercut is my little secret and hardly anyone knows it’s there but me. But I’ll tell you what- when I felt those clippers against my skull, I felt free. Like a weight had been lifted. Like I’d been able to tell Angie Davenport what a nasty bitch she was in the middle of the Trader Joe’s parking lot right after she told me that I would get diabetes if I kept buying so much chocolate. That’s right- Angie Davenport is a bitch, and my partially shaved head makes me feel powerful. DEAL WITH IT OR I’M GONNA HAVE TO ASK TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER.
But as a woman of a certain age, I deserve to have some secrets. I deserve to live like a bad girl in a way that’s hidden from my gated community. I deserve to live life with a 21st century mullet philosophy. The party is in the back alright, but I don’t think you can handle it.