I Started a Technology Detox and Wound Up Amish

I am currently a viral Zoom sensation. I had to use the little girl’s room so I turned off my video and volume, but Zoom had other plans. When something horrid happens, it’s a sign that you’re doing too much. It was time to unplug, but in a way that will get me attention. So I did the only logical thing: I went Amish.

I drove out to Ronks, PA and called every Amish adjacent BnB possible. They told me that travel was unwise at this time, so I lied and said I was stranded alone there and God would want me sheltered. Thank goodness their faith mandates hospitality. I basically enlisted for an Amish internship. I was determined to still look snatched in my frock. Like Hillary Duff in Cadet Kelly I had to prove that I belonged, but instead of learning to dance with a rifle, I had to prove I could milk a cow and cook sweet potatoes. (Before all this, I mostly would do take out from Fong’s or Illiano’s pizzeria, or I would eat cheese and crackers if I was in the mood to cook.) I had a lot to learn. Who knew mayo was in so many dishes?

Soon, they had me on Buggy Tour duty with this hottie named Aaron. He doesn’t have a beard, so pretty sure that means he’s single! All of the tourists are basic, gawking at our humble lifestyle. At the end of the tour, we head over to a farm where an adorable Amish child hops on the buggy and starts his Pennsylvania Dutch sing-songy chant, “Cooooookies and Pretzels- 2 dollars each!” Hezekiah gives me life…oops,I mean..he’s a blessing!  

I’m super happy in my life, out of the grips of technology’s chokehold. I don’t even think about heading back to my old life. Although I probably should have told my roommate I was leaving..and my boss, Kelsie, who was super nice about everything…and my parents, who help with rent. Well, maybe I can use my phone on the DL, just for a few guilty pleasures.   

In fact, this new life has actually made me so stable that I’m planning on getting back on social media. Just because I am living a life full of hard work and discipline doesn’t mean a girl can’t have a little fun. One of the teens on the last buggy tour mentioned a new app called Tik Tok, which sounds cool AF. I mean, what if I was the first Amish girl on Tik Tok? Talk about cornering the market! Amish Ana can dance. This time I’ll go viral on my own terms. 

Image: QIAP

Tricia D'Onofrio
Tricia D'Onofrio is a comedian and writer from Connecticut, but not the tennis part. She has determined that 2020 will be her year, despite all signs pointing to the opposite. She always believed herself to be a unique individual, but it turns out she's just a textbook Sagittarius.