The following op-ed is brought to you by local Connecticut woman, Linda Rosenbloom.
Who doesn’t love football? I too, intimately know the pure thrill of running like the unbroken status of your bones is on the line. However, that might be because of that Dateline episode where a man repeatedly poisons his wife’s salad dressing… When there is a game on, there’s nothing I like better than being in the company of my family members who I drove seven hours to see, while they stare slack-jawed at the screen. Now that’s what I call quality time!
Ah, the use of one’s body like a bowling pin brings me back to a whimsical time as a child, when my camp friends and I would “tabletop” people. For all of you basics who aren’t familiar, “table topping” is where Friend A gets on their hands and knees behind an unaware Friend B, who is engaged in conversation. Friend C pushes Friend B backwards and they take a silly, non-concussive tumble backwards. Once in a while, I picture table topping my boss, but with her bone health, I’m not sure it would be well received. (Read: frail) Ah, to be young again.
As much as I love the gritty heart of a sport based on keepaway, I cannot bring myself to enjoy it because of the dreadful noise. It’s kind of like a 90’s sitcom whose laugh track is turned up a bit too loud, and all I can hear is the ramblings of an impending headache. The shouting, the whistling, the constant barrage of fanfare is reminiscent of being sucked into a wind tunnel. Typically, narration offers a reprieve from the cheering, but the sportscasting is staler than that old baguette at the bakery’s closing time.
Sportscaster A: Your team is going to play against the Simsville Sponges/Barnesberry Blueberries/ Indiana Innies, think you’ll win?
Coach/Player/ Mascot: By Golly, we will try. We have been working on our defense and our offense.
Sportscaster B: How is Hurt Player #97?
Coach/ Player/ Mascot: He’s recovering. We hope he gets well soon before we have to take on those Innies!
I propose they quiet the sport down all together, like tennis or chess. If they want to take it one step further, perhaps they could spice it up by playing with a wrapped present instead of a ball. The winning team will get the present. The losing team? They’ll need to write thank you notes to all who attended the game. If that doesn’t motivate a win, I’m not sure what will! Clear ears, full hearts, can’t lose.
Image: David Katzmaier/CNET