Local Woman Has Nothing Against Football, Just Doesn’t Like the Noise

The following op-ed is brought to you by local Connecticut woman, Linda Rosenbloom.

Who doesn’t love football? I too, intimately know the pure thrill of running like the unbroken status of your bones is on the line. However, that might be because of that Dateline episode where a man repeatedly poisons his wife’s salad dressing… When there is a game on, there’s nothing I like better than being in the company of my family members who I drove seven hours to see, while they stare slack-jawed at the screen. Now that’s what I call quality time! 

Ah, the use of one’s body like a bowling pin brings me back to a whimsical time as a child, when my camp friends and I would “tabletop” people. For all of you basics who aren’t familiar, “table topping” is where Friend A gets on their hands and knees behind an unaware Friend B, who is engaged in conversation. Friend C pushes Friend B backwards and they take a silly, non-concussive tumble backwards. Once in a while, I picture table topping my boss, but with her bone health, I’m not sure it would be well received. (Read: frail) Ah, to be young again. 

As much as I love the gritty heart of a sport based on keepaway, I cannot bring myself to enjoy it because of the dreadful noise. It’s kind of like a 90’s sitcom whose laugh track is turned up a bit too loud, and all I can hear is the ramblings of an impending headache. The shouting, the whistling, the constant barrage of fanfare is reminiscent of being sucked into a wind tunnel. Typically, narration offers a reprieve from the cheering, but the sportscasting is staler than that old baguette at the bakery’s closing time.   

Sportscaster A: Your team is going to play against the Simsville Sponges/Barnesberry Blueberries/ Indiana Innies, think you’ll win? 

Coach/Player/ Mascot: By Golly, we will try. We have been working on our defense and our offense. 

Sportscaster B: How is Hurt Player #97? 

Coach/ Player/ Mascot: He’s recovering. We hope he gets well soon before we have to take on those Innies! 

I propose they quiet the sport down all together, like tennis or chess. If they want to take it one step further, perhaps they could spice it up by playing with a wrapped present instead of a ball. The winning team will get the present. The losing team? They’ll need to write thank you notes to all who attended the game. If that doesn’t motivate a win, I’m not sure what will! Clear ears, full hearts, can’t lose. 

Image: David Katzmaier/CNET

Tricia D'Onofrio
Tricia D'Onofrio is a comedian and writer from Connecticut, but not the tennis part. She has determined that 2020 will be her year, despite all signs pointing to the opposite. She always believed herself to be a unique individual, but it turns out she's just a textbook Sagittarius.