Man in His 30s Devastated to Discover Actions Have Consequences

Weeps and wails echoed through the petite Maine suburb streets. Concerned residents of Boystown peeked out of their windows, half-hidden behind their drapes, searching for the source of the disturbance. A neighbor dialed 911, concerned that someone was seriously hurt or ill. But when the paramedics arrived, they assured the citizens of Boystown that everyone was safe…Because the cries came from 32-year-old Shaun Gilbert, after he discovered that his actions have consequences, to which he himself is accountable.

The devastating news was delivered to Gilbert by his now-ex-boyfriend Dale Ennis, who noticed a notification from Grindr on Gilbert’s phone that morning.

“We agreed to be monogamous like four months ago, so it was totally unacceptable,” said Ennis. “Things were already tense between us,” he continued, “Because Shaun made some racially insensitive comments at a dinner party I hosted earlier this week, and refused to apologize for them.” 

Gilbert, who is originally from Boystown, works for a tech start-up and lives ten minutes away from his parents.

“We’ve never told him ‘no’ before- we just love him so much,” said Shaun’s mother Shelley. 

“Besides,” chimed in his father, Cooper, “He has the right to free speech. If he wants to kiss people he isn’t dating or express his discomfort with the Polish, he should be able to, and shouldn’t face any pushback for it. That’s in the Constitution, you know.”

Gilbert could not be reached for comment. Or, to be more precise, he could be reached for comment, but when the incident of his breakup was brought up, he devolved into a hyperventilating, snot-faced jerk. The only intelligible things he managed to choke out were too bigoted to be repeated in this decent publication. 

With any luck, this breakup has taught Shaun, and men like him, a valuable lesson about how their words and actions can affect others. But probably not, because that’s a lesson most people learn before they’re grown adults. 

Image: Irish Times

Author: Maya Satin
Maya is a Boston-based sketch writer, improviser, and vampire. When she isn't doing a show, she can't be found, so don't try looking. Also, a construction worker once cat-called her sandwich.